Simply Sue: Just What The Doctor Ordered
"My Doctor Recommended Tennis Balls.'' Sue Papworth chuckles at the headlines on the medical junk mail which comes through her letter box.
That respected physician Dr Batmanghelid can cure you of most diseases by selling you a book (for only £19 99 plus p and p) that tells you to drink water.
Wow. Let’s shut the hospitals and buy a very large bucket.
I don’t make this stuff up - I get lots of it shoved through my door daily by Postman Bob.
I wasn’t quite sure from the leaflet whether you just drink the stuff, bathe in it, or drown ferrets in it for some cures - but it seems that standing up to the knees in a cold bath is an excellent and important procedure for young and old alike. I guess you have to buy the book to find out why.
Anyway, I prefer wearing a silly hat and catching tiddlers when I do that sort of thing - but there is no accounting for taste. Oh, and you can use cold mud to thwart food-poisoning too. I didn’t go into how.
Another specimen of medial junk shrieked MY DOCTOR RECOMMENDED TENNIS BALLS!! all over the envelope. (Mine didn’t when I asked her - possibly I didn’t have the right disease - but these things generally give her a laugh.
I think she liked HOW TO STAY OUT OF THE DOCTOR’S SURGERY!!! best, but inexplicably turned down my offer to send for a copy for her to leave in the waiting room.
The latest arrival was Dr Atkins’ Health Manifesto, which tells one The Hidden Cause Of Most Modern Illnesses - And How To Defeat It! It has headlines like “Denton Had A Choice After All’’ and “Mary Ann Evans Ate Everything She Wanted And Lost 70 lbs.’’ Cures everything from Arthritis to something beginning with a Z too.
The worst offering had “PAINFUL HAEMORRHOIDS? - DON’T SHIFT THAT WARDROBE!!!’’ all over the front. I simply refused even to think about that one, and consigned it to the bin without so much as glancing at the wardrobe.
Anyway, I console myself with my favourite Junk Mail Envelope Of All Time, which is tacked to the notice board. This one wasn’t actually medical, but it’s made me tons better than any of those. It proclaims THE GREATEST GENIUS THE WORLD HAS EVER KNOWN!!! - followed by my name and address.
At last they’ve got one thing right.
