Open Writing

Ruth Kaye tries her hand as an exam invigilator - with hilarious results.

I have just returned from a holiday in Ireland. I went for a week with my parents, to see my sister star as the chief bridesmaid in a wedding. Her best friend was getting married, in the tiniest church I have ever seen, adjacent to the pongy farm which her father owns. A delightful smell wafted in the biting wind as we gathered in the church garden for the photo sessions.

The wind was as refreshing as the chance to get away from home and to be in the middle of the countryside once more. There were more fields than houses and more sheep than people, and the fields contained more shades of green than Dulux’s entire range of paints.

And the people were so friendly and relaxed. I could imagine living there; if the weather was 10 degrees warmer, and the rain and wind were obsolete!

We stayed in a small village called Newtown Stuart, fairly close to Omagh (not Armagh, as we abruptly discovered upon boarding the wrong bus in Belfast and almost ended up at the other end of the country).

Once the wedding was over, I had the chance for many walks along flat country lanes, bordered by gorse bushes and fields. My parents had hired a car for some obligatory sightseeing. In a folk museum which demonstrated life during the time of the potato famine, I put the staff, dressed in period costume to the test, by asking questions they couldn’t answer.

It was fascinating for the first half hour, to be transported back into a real-life 19th century Irish village, and peer into cottages but after that, the cottages became tiringly predictable. Bedrooms - cots, bed pans and humble blankets. Downstairs rooms: - fireplace, rocking chair, hand-looms. Kitchen - food imported from America and herbs.

The same in every dwelling.

Maybe in 3004 people will visit a typical English 2004 style house and wonder how we ever coped with the inconvenience of a microwave, dishwasher, food-blender, bread-maker, electric knife, and wonder how we ever had the time for food.

Giants Causeway was my favourite attraction; interestingly formed rock leading into the sea. It was rumoured to have been created by an Irish and Scottish giant, so that they could meet for a fight. However, the Scottish giant was so big that the rock cracked as he strode across.

Against the cliffs are more formations, shaped in curious forms, such as an organ and a harp. Oh how educated I now feel on the history of Ireland!

Since my return to Huddersfield, my courses have been drawing to a close. This evening I have my final computer exam and the counselling course has ended already. I am thinking of going to a meditation class on Monday nights to replace the counselling course…or at least do something ‘soulful’ with my time.

I am now working as an exam invigilator, which is not such a dream job as I imagined. An invigilator’s task is to look bored, we were told in the induction. It’s not too difficult to look bored if you’re invigilating for a session over three hours, during which time you are not allowed to eat, talk, drink or read.

That’s partly why I’d like to join the meditation class; to pick up some visualization exercises, and achieve enlightenment while I work.

The first exam was dreadful. I fell asleep in my chair after 30 minutes, and then tried to jolt myself back into focus by sneakily touching my toes a few times; out of sight of the students of course. This caused me to yawn, which, in turn,
triggered loud yawns from the students.

By the end of the exam, when the senior invigilator walked in, all but one of the candidates had fallen asleep on their arms, and I was doing tai chi exercises with my arms to force some oxygen into my head.

However, I have now worked out a few cerebral exercises. One of them is to conduct a survey. In the last exam, 34 students were white and British-looking, while 15 looked as though they came from India/Bangladesh/Pakistan. Then there was
one oriental boy and two girls of undecipherable origin, although it was maybe just their gothic style makeup which suggested alternative ethnicities.

Any ideas for new ways of preventing boredom would be welcome.