Open Writing

Reading the newspaper headline was enough to make me start feeling itchy.

The Insect - Man’s Best Friend.

Really? Midges, mosquitoes… Friendly little creatures, are they?

Should we start walking around with bare arms and legs in hot weather so that our tiny winged comrades can use us a meal table?

And what of the little blighter who stabbed me on the wrist while I was out walking on a muggy day last week?

I don’t know what kind of insect it was - but full marks for agility. It somehow managed to wriggle under my watchstrap before behaving like a miniature Dracula and feasting on my blood.

The outcome was an angry red bump on the wrist, an undeniable urge to itch, and a watch worn on the right arm for a couple of days.

I suppose I should be flattered that insects find me so appealing. That they see me as a fine example of good English bloodstock. But I would be far happier if they ignored me and dined elsewhere.

Once I slept outdoors on a camp bed by a lake in Oklahoma. The romance of that place… Birds talking quietly to one another out on the water. The creaking conversations of frogs. A spectacular sunset…

I nodded off to sleep revelling in the delights of living close to nature.

Only to wake up at dawn in a panic, convinced that someone had set my face on fire.

The mosquito telegraph system had been working overtime. Messages had buzzed out to every corner of the State. “The Englishman is here!’’

And squadrons of hungry insects had dutifully answered the call, zooming in to feast on my features.

Folk who saw me during the next three or four days were instantly convinced that someone had tried to barbecue me.

In Britain there may be as many as 45,000 species of insect, said that newspaper article last week. Insects form the largest single group within the invertebrates, and 26,000 different kinds have been identified. But there are many more waiting to be discovered and named.

Maybe the blighter who stabbed me on the wrist last week was one of these un-named ones. A variety with the cunning to seek out a place to eat where it can’t be seen and slapped.

Perhaps I should lay claim to being the discoverer of the Under The Strap fly.

Insects are the most important element in the world’s biodiversity. No insects - no well-balanced environment.

There was a scheme to re-introduce rhinoceros into a park in Africa. Before releasing the rhinos into the park they were treated to rid them of their parasites.

The rhinos soon became ill with a mysterious skin condition. It was then realised that the animals were not being visited by oxpeckers, the starling-like birds that feed on the insects found on most wild African game.

As soon as ticks were re-introduced to their large hosts, the birds returned, and the rhinos were restored to good health.

OK, OK. So insects are a vital part of the natural order. But I’m blowed if they’re going to treat me as their equivalent of a MacDonald’s meal.

I’m off into town to buy a bumper supply of insect repellent.