Open Writing

My wife and I were comparing the merits of her "Good old days'' scenario and my "Computers are an essential item'' script.

“Buster Crabbe, he played Flash Gordon, the film came out in the 1930s and was all green in colour, I remember it well.“ I have an amazing memory when it comes to useless information.

“Wasn’t he the Deep-sea diver?” She only remembers the essentials such as "is it in the sale and how much?''

“No, that was Commander Crabbe and the Russians got him. Anyway the DVD is now on sale in the Megastore.”

I had neatly bridged the gap twixt’ past and present, and a DVD player would be the ideal gift from our offspring.

However... back in time. Just married, moving into our first home - a rented property - the only means of lighting and cooking and anything else was by gas and coal.

It was essential to have electricity and after contacting the local Electricity Board we were able to have the necessary Installation for the princely sum of £5.

“Just like sunshine.” Our landlord, a veteran of the Gallipoli landings couldn’t believe his eyes when we first switched the lights on.

Later we were able to invest in a washing machine and also the Dansette record player on which we were able to play the very latest EP records. My wife indulged in the fashion at that time of melting old 78s and shaping them into flowerpots or vases, which proved to be a futile operation as they always leaked.

A few years later, we lived in West Germany and although the flat we occupied had a TV set, the endless repeats of Coronation Street received from Holland and dubbed in what to us was Double-Dutch had us reaching for the off switch. We did however tune in to the World Cup final to see England versus West Germany. Although we won, our cheers were muted and we turned the sound down so as not to upset the landlord, who lived downstairs.

On arrival back in the UK we set up house in rural Lincolnshire. “No, we haven’t got TV, doesn’t really interest us,” was our lofty explanation for not joining in normal daily conversation.

However, our five-year-old son now spent a lot of time with the children next door. I was finally shamed into buying a set, but explained smugly “We only watch the documentaries. Quite educational. Definitely not the commercial channels, all those soap operas.“

One morning I was studying the post.

“What is it?”

I wasn’t sure. It was a plastic card that supposedly could be used instead of cash when presented at a shop. “Must be genuine. The bank says so.”

A red-letter day in my wife’s life, all the spending you want without actually parting with cash, it took all the stress out of shopping for the next twenty years or so.

That is, up to recently when her inability to remember her PIN number, or indeed how to use the card, has reduced her to demanding cash-back from the supermarket.

She became fraught when the latest machine rejected her card. “You need to activate Chip and PIN,” the school leaver at the check-out informed her.

Meanwhile I had discovered that by investing in an expensive computer system I could quite easily keep track of PIN numbers, passwords and bank balances. Well, as long as I could remember the elaborate coding system, which I had designed - inspired by reading The Perfect Spy - and which page of what book I had used as a key.

I had also ventured into On-Line banking, which was proving to be an unnerving experience.

The years had taken its toll. My wife only felt secure now with the written word. To her hardware meant clotheslines and doormats. However her liking for repeats of Columbo and Inspector Morse had led me to believe that a DVD player would be the answer. I made the necessary enquiries of the adolescent at the localsSupplier.

“This will give youpPlayback with CD and CD-RW, Video DAC with pre and postbBlock noise reduction. Also you get Smart link Synchro recording and a Freeview integrated Digital Tuner.”

Well it certainly looked the part.

“Er... what colours does it come in?“

“This is it. Of course a lot depends on your TV set and how old it is.”

Well we have had the TV about six years, inheriting it from my parents who‘d had it for I don‘t know how long.

“We shall certainly consider it.”

Meaning we shall wait and see what Christmas brings.