American Pie: The Hospital Survival Game
A recent stay in hospital has prompted John Merchant to come up with an idea for a new reality TV game show. John writes with great good humour - but the issues he raises are deadly serious.
I recently spent a week in hospital for the first time in over 50 years. The changes I experienced were at once impressive and alarming.
The changes that impressed me mostly related to the use of modern technology and drugs. The causes of my alarm stemmed largely from the daily chaos, the lack of what could be termed “real nursing,” and a seemingly cavalier attitude towards the necessity of an aseptic environment.
It struck me at the time that given the current fascination with “reality” TV, and the success of “survival programs,” here was an opportunity to combine both genres in a format that could draw an audience of millions. An added attraction would the opportunity pander to the population’s mass obsession with health issues.
In the first program of the series, the contestants would be given an imaginary reason for being hospitalized, and then face the challenge of getting through the admitting process. They each would be presented with an inch-thick batch of legal-sized papers, covered back and front with miniscule print, describing in tortuous legalese the pitfalls and dangers of entrusting the establishment with their lives. After three minutes of reading time, the contestant is required to answer questions about the content.
The papers also require the contestant to make instantaneous decisions about such matters as resuscitation in the event of catastrophic failure of vital functions, donation of organs, and the appointment of a power of attorney. There is also space to write a living will. Since no firm writing surfaces are provided, all entries must be completed by resting the papers on the contestant’s lap. Failure to answer any of these items legibly, in accordance with correct responses as determined by a panel of experts, results in the contestant’s elimination.
The American version of the program would also have a section on compliance with medical insurance applications. This would include the requirement to answer from memory such vital minutiae as the starting and ending dates of the last job held before the current one, the contestant’s social security number, spouses’ date of birth and father’s place of birth, etc. Failure in this section would also lead to disqualification.
Having surmounted these hurdles, each contestant would then be placed in a typical hospital room with a roommate who does not speak English except for the phrase “please help me.” Several random challenges would then be presented, among them: how to get the television to work, how to stop the telephone ringing constantly and how to reduce the room temperature to below tropical. While dealing with these challenges, the roommate says repeatedly “Please help me,” accompanied by bewildering gestures.
The surviving contestants are then required to submit to three nights of sleep deprivation before entering the final phase. During the three nights, machines are brought into the room and connected by wires to the contestant. Each machine has a number of blinking lights, a matrix of push buttons and a piercing alarm beeper. The contestant has to figure out what the machines are intended for and estimate how many minutes will elapse before a nurse comes in to silence an alarm.
In the event that a nurse does not come, the contestant then has one minute to determine which button on the machine silences the alarm. Failure to complete this task in time, or pushing the wrong button results in the administration of a mild electric shock. After the third night, the roommate feigns some kind of seizure and the contestant’s repeated calls for the nurse are ignored. Failure to take the correct remedial action to assist the roommate again brings disqualification.
In the final test, the contestant is examined by a group of doctors and students doing rounds. The contestant has to determine whether the examination is appropriate for the imaginary reason for his/her admittance, whether the conclusion they reach is correct, and whether in fact they have the correct notes or those of some other contestant. The contestant must do this without addressing any questions to the doctors and students. The grand prize for the surviving contestants is the choice of free, elective surgery up to a predetermined value.
What a ridiculous idea I hear you say, but based on the evolution so far of popular TV on both sides of the Atlantic, I’m betting it’s just a matter of time before “The Hospital Survival Game” is the number one viewer’s choice, and I want my share of the royalties.
John can be contacted at wordworks@hvc.rr.com
