Open Writing

I was shunted awake this morning by the sound of the telephone ringing. The clock told me it was only ten to six yet my body and mind were still Limbo dancing beneath a line of spiky pineapples. In the background Barry Manilow sang Copacabana and Colin Farrell appeared with a bottle of Red, a couple of cigars and nothing more than a smile with the fire in his eyes that told me to look at what else he had in store for me. The closer I got to the phone the quicker the images faded. Oh the possibilities if you could pause your dreams.

`I was almost sipping Red wine and smoking cigars with Colin, this betta be good Loop.'

`Hey how's it going Jo? You nearly made it to first base this time then.' Of course it was my sister Loopy calling from Finland. Three days to go before she had to Rally so it was the compulsory night out before she hit the snow.

`How far into the night are you?'

`Well lets see, four lagers, three shots of Tequila, half a packet of ciggies and a possible escort home.'

`So you've only just started then.'

`Very funny.'

`Listen, just be careful and don't get too wasted okay. Mum's been asking about you and I'm taking her to the Doctors again today. Maybe you could give her a ring?'

I knew this was a waste of time as Loopy did emails and txting, as twenty somethings do, but to actually pick up a phone and talk into it at or with another person, I would be seeing pigs fly tomorrow at ten thirty!

`I will, I will please don't spoil the mood. I might be on the other side of the world Jo, but I can still feel what you're thinking. I've been really busy and you know I hate having to repeat myself. Get them to check her ears while she's there.'

I could hear the pumping music in the background. Two gay guys were bitching about what someone called Nathan was wearing standing next to her. But I definitely did not hear anyone when she said,
`Jo listen I've gotta go. Daniel's shouting at me to meet some big sponsor. I'll be in touch. See ya babe.'

She was gone and I never did hear Daniel. Anyway I can't blame her. The last thing I'd want on a night out was a `Mum' conversation.

You see my Mother has always been obsessed with illnesses. Trips to the Doctors once or twice a fortnight are not unusual and she even has her own chair and china cup there now. She insists on leaving it with the staff's collection of one liner mugs such as, `Doctors are always ready for it!' with a small cartoon of an ambulance racing to an emergency hiding inside the mug. So Mum is a regular and as she doesn't drive I provide the super highway between the front door and her chair at the surgery.

Dad died when I was four which is a shame as ironically he loved to drive. My sister Loopy - okay that's my fault I couldn't say Melanie when I was a toddler so we've called her Loopy ever since and to be honest, it suits her a little too well. So Loopy has the driving gene and drives Rally cars all over the world. This to me, Miss Safe and Sound is far too dangerous. She is the adventurous one, the adrenalin junkie. Whatever country she is in has to offer in the way of `this is a fun way of possibly killing yourself' activities you'll find her there, woo-hooing and punching the air while trying to keep her Medusa plaits from ensnaring anyone passing by. So compared to my larger than life sister, I'm the vapid negative mixed up with all the other negatives at the bottom of the box of old family photos. Married with two point four kids and I get out once a fortnight for an airing to do the groceries. Not that I'm complaining, I find security in routine and happiness in security. I read somewhere it's good for the kids too.

The morning passed with no surprises and after I dropped the kids at school I headed off to Mum's. As I drove up to the house she was standing in the driveway out of breath. To see her standing there I felt sad no one special had come into her life after Dad died. She wasn't a bad looker either. Convinced she was of Norwegian descent, it had been mentioned as a possibility once and she had stood by it ever since. She had lovely blonde hair (from her Norwegian side of course) and for some bizarre reason was quite proud she had never shaved her legs in her entire life. That's right girls, her legs had been declared a Nair free zone for over three decades, but I told her in that case it would surely make her German. Her happy well-lived in face had skin the appearance of a well dusted scone. Her mouth was constantly on the move. It really was quite freaky as she mouthed each word you spoke, back at you. And her beautiful aquamarine eyes were over shadowed by a constant frown which dug out a vertical trench between her eyebrows.

Loopy and I both suggested, `Why don't you get yourself some Botox Mum?' Mum's hearing not being up to scratch we were misheard,
`Nothing wrong with my buttocks, a bit saggy girls but not bad for a woman my age!' Misunderstandings like this were not uncommon. Before I had put a toe on the ground Mum was running towards me holding her left arm.

`Oh Jo, I'm having a corollary. I'm out of breath. I think I can't feel my arm.' She really was out of breath but that was from running when she saw me. So I did what you do when coronaries, or corollaries as Mum would have it, were happening. I took her inside and sat her down while I made a pot of tea with her self replenishing tea pot. It really did never seem to run out. She must have put a spell on it. I didn't mention it before? Well apparently we also descend from Gypsies. I'm always getting them confused with the Vikings, silly me. As the tea was being poured the egg-shell question was cracked upon me.

`Have you heard from Loopy?' If I said no I'd be spared the Spanish inquisition but the next time she spoke to Loop she would extract the exact date, even get her down to time if she felt it that important. You know that fine line between genius and crazy, Mum somehow managed to slip into both with unnerving ease.

`Erm...yeh.'

`How was she? What did she say? Did she ask about me? Why hasn't she telephoned me? Doesn't she know I worry about her?' Rapid gun fire wasn't as quick and I almost took cover under the table.

`She's fine and getting ready to race in Finland. Sends her love and will phone as soon as she's finished. Okay?'

`But that's a week away. What if I need to speak to her?' On she went until three gallons of tea had been consumed. Towards the end of each cup, calmness settled on the kitchen table and the coronary seemed to dissipate. It was approaching ten thirty and we were soon to travel the super highway once again. Handbag, shoes and coat collected we headed for the car. I then had to wait for the repositioning of her seat. It was put through its paces back and forth along the slider like an Olympic rower. The back of the seat lowered then raised to a perfect forty-five degree angle. We then got to the head rest. I say we as I had to climb into the back to move the bloody thing up and down notch by notch. Once locked in position we were set to go. I reached to turn the key in the ignition and almost had a corollary myself.

`JO STOP!' Oh no she really was having a heart attack. Even more alarming than that she might be in the middle of having an idea. To take the bus and give me a break? The heart attack appeared more likely.

`Jo quick you've got to get it!'

`Get what? What d'you need?' I imagined myself whipping down her seat whether she protested or not and delivering mouth to mouth to her ebullient lips. Then a picture of a convulsing trout entered my head and I recoiled.

`The thing.'

`What thing?'

`The list.'

`The what?'

`The list in the kitchen.'

`What list in what kitchen? You're supposed to be having a heart attack aren't you?'

`Am I? Oh... alright then.' I quickly took a few deep karmic breaths which made me light-headed, and then I located the list hiding in the shortbread tin. I handed it to Mum and she tucked it safely inside her handbag. It was easier just to get the damn thing than to ask what it was for and frankly, to get to the Doctors in one piece with my sanity in tact was paramount. We arrived ten minutes later.

We made our way up the old worn down steps. I realised I hadn't reminded myself to stay in the car and wished I had a gun to shoot myself in the foot. I had stopped going in with Mum about a year and a half ago. She had shouted at me one day that she wasn't one of my children, she could do it all by herself and that I should mind my own fucking business. I mean it. You are no more shocked than I to hear that word coming out my Mother's mouth. She has enough trouble with everyday ones but when it came to that one, out it sprang with astonishing clarity and force. Crazy woman. Well there was no turning back now, I was committed. I watched as Mum started turning the big brass door knob when she threw me a sideways glance that slashed right across my eyes. I guess she also realised I should have stayed in the car, and given half the chance she would have shot me if she'd had a gun, and not just in the foot! I took a step back and lowered my head.

She stepped inside. Just as an actor transforms himself when he treads the boards, so did my Mother. Although she was at the Doctors, the place where we the normal people go when sick or injured, I had never seen her so alive, so centred, so...grandiose. This was sooo weird.

`Good Morning Bridget and how are we today?' This came from the high pitched Stella the Floozy who had an appetite for locums of the male variety and sometimes even the female ones, or so we'd heard since her divorce eight months ago.

`Oh Stella I don't know how we are but I am doing just fine. A few niggles but that's only to be expected at my time of life ha, ha, ha.' I by now had plonked myself down, across from her `Chair', near the various skyscrapers of magazines. Why did they fill them with such ludicrous headlines as, Revealed: The burning truth about Cystitis or Your Hemeroids Exposed, and tried not to throw up in the box of toys next to me.

`Doctor Percival at eleven o'clock Dear. You remember my daughter Joanna don't you Stella?' Surely this wasn't happening. Stella the Floozy spied me with eyes that promised to crack the thick ice-blue eyeshadow each time she blinked.

`Hello' she squeaked. I flicked a quick smile and tried to look engrossed in, Impotence: A hard act to follow. Mum settled in her chair. A few minutes later out came Stella with the china cup and saucer, hot steam training along side her. Mum sat sipping her tea idly reading the posters on the wall; I sat feeling dazed and foggy.

Then it happened. Mum placed her cup and saucer carefully down on the table, slid a hand inside her bag and produced a pen that was attached to a small clipboard via a piece of string. A piece of paper was lovingly laid upon the clipboard. What on earth was she doing? The only thing Mum ever wrote was a shopping list and she would never do that in public. My curiosity got the better of me and I had to ask as casually as I could of course.

`What y'doin there Mum?'

`Just making a few notes Dear.'

What notes could she possibly be making here and why did she call me Dear? I resisted the urge to ask but my mouth did exactly that. To which she ever so graciously replied, `Just you keep reading that article on your husband's inability to get an erection and satisfy you sexually Dear'

She knew only too well that Doctor Percival was standing there beneath the shadow of his quiffed hair, when her words came floating out like a soprano in full flight. Bitch. How could she say that and then...then I got it. She had been looking at a poster on the wall in the waiting room about the warning signs if you're having a heart attack. That was when she reached for her `list'. It all came rushing in like the kids on a Sunday morning. My Mother was researching her illnesses, writing everything down you needed to make a diagnosis. Why the hell would she do that? Before I had time to pick my eyes and jaw up off the floor, she turned on one heel and sashayed into Dr Percival's office. I was in total shock. Stella the Floozy cleared her throat and our eyes fixed. Her face said `well now you know' and her sour mouth smirked. I stood up and walked over to the glass window she was kept behind. As I approached I had no idea of what I was going to say or why I was going in the first place. I ratta-tat-tatted on the sliding window and sprayed,

`Can I use ya phone Stella the Floo...the flo...erm... the Flu, yes the Flu I need to call Darren, he's got the Flu to check on him poor thing.' Oh God this couldn't be happening.

`Don't you have a Mobile?' Squeak, squeak.

`No.'

`I don't suppose you need one when you're a, you know, a housewife, or is it homemaker or stay-at-home-mum these days? I simply couldn't live with out my mobile. There's always someone important trying to get hold of me. Parties, friends...'

`Punters.' I muttered. She didn't hear me. I wonder what she'd have done if she had. Maybe leaped at me from beyond the glass, blinded me with her reflective eyeshadow then impaled me with her talons and finally spit acid in my face. We will never know. Reluctantly I was given the phone. It was one of those walk about ones so I went outside and dialled Loopy's mobile number. Now I knew I was taking a risk as she would either be two steps away from a dead slumber in which case I would get my head verbally torn off, or I would be calling while she was in the middle of something indecently inappropriate, in which case I would get my head verbally torn off! But this was serious and I hadn't forgiven her for interrupting my Limbo dancing Colin Farrell dream yet.

`Please keep it short and sweet. If that's you Arran, next time try apologising in person without the extra baggage that I'm told goes by the name of Sandra. For everyone else calling please leave your name and number. Here comes the tone.' And it did. Loopy's greetings on her phone were constantly changing. It was like tuning in to the latest episodes of The Young and the Restless. If you wanted to know how her love life was or who had recently pissed her off all you had to do was call.

`It's Jo. Call me. Doesn't matter what time just call me.' I returned the phone to Stella the Floozy. She was surprisingly and efficiently filing what looked like two hundred multicoloured papers into four different files and then I retreated back to my seat. I decided to play it safe this time and picked up a copy of House and Garden while I thought about what just happened. My eyes became embedded in a picture of a crudely shaped cactus which seemed to have pierced my brain allowing all thoughts and conscious actions to escape. I hadn't even noticed Mum standing there asking if I was ready to go. I stood and walked and opened the car door and breathed and drove her home and breathed again and drove myself home. All of which I can't remember doing.

I stood in my kitchen face to face with a boiling pot of potatoes and began to think as the steam warmed my face, and hopefully exorcized a few blackheads at the same time, that Mum had never really been diagnosed with anything except the Flu and mild Arthritis. So why did she go so often? I just thought she had a weak constitution. But then again, what if she was one of those Hypochondriacs? If she was why wasn't there a poster about that on the waiting room wall? Maybe she was a Hypochondriac and was being treated, but for over twenty years? You would surely be entitled to an award, or faux gold watch at the very least for that kind of loyalty. My train of thought was broken as Darren grabbed hold of my boobs with a little too much enthusiasm, and started kneading at them like a psychotic baker.

`Ow. How'd you like it if I started spinning your bollocks round in me hand like a couple of Chinese stress balls?

`Ooh don't know babe why don't ya give it a go.' He was incorrigible.

`Anyway my little bouncy castle, your crazy sister's on the phone.'

He of course was referring to the extra pounds I had recently acquired as he handed the telephone over. Sensitive bastard.

`Hey Jo, what's happenin'?' Her voice was full of effortless chirp so I quickly changed that with the full story.

`Ooh just fantastic the rally starts tomorrow! She's bloody well gone and done this on purpose y'know, because I haven't called her, so now it's get back at Loopy time right?' Her voice was rising and she was about to go off on one of her self-righteous, self-centred blinkered bursts so I took a deep breath and dived in.

`Look Loop, this has got nothing to do with you or me. This is about what's goin' on with Mum and...'

`Yeh but it always is and I don't know how much more my brain can take Jo.'

`I understand that but I really think this is something serious...' Why was I being the calm one here? Things really must be bad.

`Something serious my arse! I'm fed up with all this, this, this bullshit. She just needs to get out more, get herself a man. I love her Jo but I don't have time for this.' I lost it.

`Oh now hold on a minute. What the hell do you mean you don't have time for this? You can't tell me you think it's normal what she's doing, making excuses to go the Doctors, making lists. Do you hear what I'm saying? Making a list of symptoms to take to the Doctors, it's not right. Playing the poor, sick lowly widow to us and then in the blink of an eye she becomes Rita fuckin' Hayworth.' I could hear myself going on and on but I couldn't stop. I had realised that I had had enough.

`And while we're talking about it who's the one that takes her everywhere? Gets called up in the middle of the night because she has chest pains and thinks she's dying and it's a panic attack. And who has to desensitise her kids after they've been to see her? Reassuring them that it's okay to get sick or fall down, because they will get better and no they won't die. When you have to do this day in day out then you can tell me that you've had enough!' Inevitably there was silence. Quite a lot of it actually but I refused to give in and make the peace. This was how I felt, and for the first time in a long time I refused to compromise my emotions. After what seemed like a lifetime Loopy cleared her throat and snuffled her nose. I knew she had been crying but she was an adult now, and some times whether you like it or not you have to wipe your own hooter.

`Sorry.' The sincerity that accompanied this one word said sorry a thousand times over. I knew she was. We both needed to let off steam and agreed as much. As for Mum, I would ask her over a pot of carefully prepared tea about her trips to the Doctors. Loopy would telephone her. Resolved. Resolute. Reallybloodystupid to think it was going to be that easy. The potatoes boiled and Darren finished cooking dinner. He and the kids waited for me to sit and we began our slightly burnt fish fingers and mash. The table was cleared and the kids went off to play.

We started on the dishes. I relayed the conversation with Loopy to him and feeling the emotion stir up again Darren offered this little gem, `Maybe there's nothing wrong with her after all and she only goes to see Dr Penisville for tea and prescriptive sex!' What planet was he from, seriously, to suggest such a ludicrous idea? That night I couldn't sleep. Pictures of copulating trout adorned with stethoscopes ransacked my subconscious. Oh the possibilities if you could erase your dreams.

I awoke yet again to the sound of the telephone ringing. It was Loopy. She too had some pearls of wisdom for me.

`Something for you to think about and it's a stupid thought but, what if she's getting it on with Dr P? Anyway gotta go last minute checks. Love ya. Bye.' What the hell had got into everyone? It wasn't even five in the morning and my head was spinning, literally I thought but daren't look. I took to the kitchen to make strong coffee. The cold numbed my toes upon the terracotta tiles. So this was how my house felt at this time of the morning. Comfortably familiar, rested, ready to embrace and envelop our family for another day. Was it too much of a coincidence they both thought Mum was getting some extra medical attention? I woke up Darren and told him that he had to take the morning off work to sort the kids out as I was going to see Mum. My eyes told him accept or die so he complied.

I got dressed and headed off. I arrived there at a quarter to nine to find no one at home. Mum's neighbour, One-eye, we called her that as she always had one eye peeking around the edge of the net curtains- not because she only had one eye! She spied me and scurried over to inform me that my Mother had been taken to the Doctor's by taxi very early this morning.

I stopped a street away from the Doctor's office and thought about what I was going to do next. What was I going to do next? I had to see for myself and all concerned if it was true, which of course it wasn't. I snuck up the side street and made my way to the back of the building. My heart was pounding and the streets were in full swing. I found myself in a large grassy square, thankfully bordered with pink and purple Hydrangeas almost as tall as I. I knew I was at the wrong window when I saw quite clearly how you find your prostate. I quickly found another window. Then I saw her looking so small in his big leather chair, crying. He was kneeling down beside her. What the hell had he done to her to make her cry so violently? My stomach spun 360 degrees and my body flushed hot with adrenaline. This was my Mother.
I spun round on one heel and sprinted to the front of the building. I bounced up the old worn down steps, grabbed the big brass door knob, burst through and down the corridor into Dr Percival's office. He sprang to his feet.

`What are you doing to her?' I screamed.

`I think it would be wise Joanna if you came in and closed the door.'

He buzzed Stella the Floozy for Tea and told her to spread his clients for the next couple of hours. On what, toast? Mum had not said a word and didn't look at me once. I was boiling inside and I could feel my nostrils flaring like a bull about to charge. I think there might have been some steam coming out as Mum finally looked at me with red-raw eyes, her skin so drained and grey. She quietly said,
`What are you doing here Joanna?'

`Has he hurt you? If you've hurt her! Why are you crying? And tell me just how long has this been going on?'

`Joanna you're Mother has just received some bad news.'

`Yeh from you y'bastard how many other women are there?'

`There are many women in the same situation as Bridget with...' Just then Stella the Floozy came in with the tea, but no patient spread toast.

`So you admit it! Why couldn't you pick on Stella the Floozy here? You're up for a little Doctors and Nurses aren't ya Stella?' She looked me squarely in the eyes and told me none of this concerned her. Too bloody right it didn't.

`Joanna I think you should sit down and I'll pour you some tea.'

`TEA! TEA! I don't want any fucking tea you moron, I want to know what's been going on with my Mother!' I was shouting so loud that I think the chandelier in his office tinkled or it could have been what I heard next.

`Cancer.' It felt like the wind was gently blowing into my ear. But then it happened again.

`Cancer.' Nothing louder than a whisper. Craziness must run in the family I was hearing bloody voices now.

`Come on tell me what's been going on!' Then I heard it again, what the...

`Cancer. Joanna, I have Cancer.'

`But I thought... what did you say?' Dr Percival placed a cup of tea in my hand and I sat down next to Mum in another big leather chair. Mum gathered herself and straightened her back as she took hold of my hand. I didn't feel the boiling tea dripping, scolding, running down my thigh onto the shiny leather.

`I have cancer Joanna. Apparently I have it throughout my body and there's nothing they can do now, it's far too advanced. I could last a week or a year, they don't know. I'm sorry you had to find out like this... I really am.'

Loopy and I never knew Mum had had cancer before. She told no one and went through treatment alone. That was why she was always at the Doctors. She had been told to see Dr Percival if anything felt strange or different and so she did until yes; it did become a way of life for her. They didn't mind though, she was a widow and quite a character.

Mum spent the rest of her time with Darren, me and the kids, Loopy and Dr Percival who we now know as Alan. The self replenishing tea pot worked over time and Loopy managed to find some old Rita Hayworth movies. We would climb into bed with Mum like we did when we were kids and watch them. We'd talk about everything and anything we thought of. We laughed a lot, cried a lot but knew that no matter what, we'd love each other the rest of our lives.

Mum died three weeks later.