: A Guide To The Outback
Ern Carne tells of Bill the guide, a choice Australian character who has a story for every occasion - though some of the tales are as hard to swallow as a pregnant elephant.
‘G’day. I’m Bill. I’ll be your driver and guide for the next few days.’
This was my first meeting with a genuine outback character. The next three days were spent travelling over a thousand kilometres with this laidback, unflappable bloke with a laconic sense of humour who made our holiday memorable.
‘Bill!’ He gets by with a single name with all the aplomb of a Liberace, Kamahl or Madonna.
The most striking thing about Bill is his hat. It looks as though it has been slept in! On anybody else it would have just looked ridiculous but it looked a part of Bill. He told us that on a recent visit to the casino in Brisbane an official asked him to remove it. He could not have been more indignant if he’d been asked to take off his moleskins.
‘Why?'' Bill demanded. "Because it’s scruffy,'' the casino person told him.
Well, I reckon that bloke ought to get out into the real world. Bill’s hat passed being ‘scruffy’ at least ten years ago. Since then it has been through ‘unkempt’ ‘bedraggled’ ‘decay’ and ‘ruin.’ It’s time it headed for the ceiling museum at the Wellshot Hotel! This icon pub of the outback at Ilfracombe has a cargo net strung from the ceiling of the front bar on to which all kinds of paraphernalia have been flung by drinkers. Hats of every description dominate.
Away from the driver’s seat and the coach microphone Bill is a quiet, even shy man, but when he takes his position as driver and says ‘G’day, I’m Bill’ you can settle back for a talkfest from an accomplished raconteur. Bill is as much a part of this country as the gidgea trees and Mitchell grass. He’s well informed on all the different grasses. ‘Get the the right grass and maybe you’ll survive. Get the wrong grass and you’re sure to go broke’ Bill told us.
My trouble is I don’t remember which is which.
Animals and birds also drew enlightening stories from Bill. Best of all he had anecdote for every occasion and passed them on with all the flair of a professional. He had the coach rocking with giggles about Jessie and the party line telephone. The stories of he ‘Cunnumulla fella’ and his fights in the tent show was told with all verve of a supporter.
Bill seemed to have a never ending supply of stories about drunken shearers’ cooks. He even told stories against himself with a hilarious tale about the time his dog killed the landlady’s cat at Camooweal.
The opening of the new hall at Winton was a ‘flash do’ according to our guide.
They had an out-of-town band that played dances Bill said he didn’t know, like the MonteCarlo and the Lucky Spot. He also claimed the crowd had a good laugh when a local asked the bandleader to play ‘That’s what you are’ because they all knew the song he meant was called ‘Unforgettable”
When Bill told us stories about old drovers and their feats a passenger asked him if he’d ever taken part in a long drive. Encouraged by our interest Bill drawled on about the time he drove 5000 head of cattle, single-handed, from Longreach to Hobart. When a curious passenger asked, ‘How did you get them across Bass Strait?’ Bill quickly told us ‘I didn’t go that way!’
For locals who have not had a trip with Bill you are missing a pleasure equal to a visit to the Hall of Fame. Don’t let today’s economies rob you of tomorrow’s memories.
