Fast Fiction: The Clack Inquiry Report
So why did the inquiry conducted by J Excel Clack proceed so smoothly? Richard Mallinson's short story revolves around the oldest human weakness.
The inquiry chairman was J Excel Clack, director of waste and recycling.
‘Actually,’ Clack said at the inquiry’s first meeting, ‘I’m more into waste than recycling because waste is the irreducible residue of - ’
‘Yes, yes,’ said Bill Drebble, director of human resources, ‘but shouldn’t we be discussing our terms of reference?’
‘All in good time, Dr Drebble, all in good time’ said Clack soothingly.
He studied the other members of the panel, including Ms Wilma Corder, deputy to Dr Drebble.
As Clack gazed at them, they gazed sternly back.
A few days later, Clack received a tip-off that Dr Drebble was having an affair with Ms Wilma Corder.
Over a six o’clock drink he was able to hint to Dr Drebble that Mrs Drebble might not be too happy to learn of her husband’s little . . .
Need he say more?
The inquiry proceeded smoothly, thanks mainly to Dr Drebble.
There were no silly questions, not any proposals which would cost a fortune to implement - and the report turned out to be bland enough to satisfy the head of the organisation, Sir Teddy Ruttle.
‘Excellent, Excel,’ said Sir Teddy, fingering the slim report as they met by chance in a corridor, ‘how on earth did you manage it?’
‘Ah,’ said Clack, ‘there is an adage in my department which goes -’
But Sir Teddy had turned away to answer a call on his mobile from none other than Ms Wilma Corder.
This led to drinks and a meal at her flat and then, week after week, many a carnal get-together in several locations.
There is little to add except that (1) Dr Drebble’s wife left him in any case (which just goes to show) and (2) the Clack inquiry report became something of a joke among middle managers - a breed which respects neither age nor adage.
