Open Writing

Because of Hoddle’s reaction to the suggestion, it was
not until the following day that Holly felt able to raise the
subject of a return to earth again. She decided not to
broach the subject at mealtime, in case the others were
upset again by the doctor’s reaction, so she waited until
after breakfast to approach him. To her surprise, Hoddle
proved to be quite amenable to her initial tentative
suggestion that they discuss the matter again, and they
adjourned to his quarters. When they were comfortable,
and Hoddle had prepared a flask of tea for them both,
Holly began by asking him why he felt so strongly about
returning, or not returning to earth.

“I’ve burnt my bridges there,” he said, “as have we all.
The world we knew is gone forever, and there can be
nothing for the likes of us in that far and f-f-future place.”

At Holly’s questioning look, he said, “Earth has moved
on, Miss Parmentier, as must we. Were we to return now,
it would be to a world that none of us would recognize, a
world four hundred years into our future. Even though, to
us, we left it only a few months ago, we have nevertheless
been away for nearly two hundred years. It would take us
another two hundred to return, and the world would be a
totally different place to the one we left behind. Surely
you can see that?”

Holly looked at him carefully; the anger of the
previous day seemed to be gone, or at least under control,
but she wasn’t taking any chances. “You may be right,”
she said cautiously, “but we can’t possibly be sure what
the earth is like now. For all we know, it might be little
changed from the world we knew.”

Hoddle gripped his steaming bulb of tea, his eyes fixed
on the tabletop between them. “But we wouldn’t kn-know
anyone,” he said, his teeth gritted. “Even looking up r-rrelatives
could prove difficult, given the time-frame c-
concerned.”

Holly nodded, careful not to seem argumentative.
“Perhaps. But don’t you think it could be worth the risk,
to be among people, on our home planet again? Even if
places had changed, there would still be much we would
recognize, and could call familiar. It would still be our
home.”

Hoddle set his mug down on the table and rose from
his chair. Facing the wall, his back rudely turned to Holly,
the doctor said, “There is one other thing you have not
considered, Miss Parmentier. This ship only carries
enough fuel to get us to Procyon, plus a little for
emergencies, maneuvering, things like that, yes?” When
Holly said nothing, he rounded on her and continued, like
someone scoring an important point.

“Then just how did you propose to get h-home without
su-su-sufficient fuel?” he crowed triumphantly. Then his
face took on a suspicious cast.

“Or do you know something the rest of us do not? Are
there secret fuel r-r-reserves somewhere? Does the
computer know? Has it been k-keeping the knowledge
from us?” He sat down again, speaking absently to
himself. He appeared to have forgotten that Holly was
even there as he carried on the one-sided conversation,
raising questions and answering them almost
immediately. Holly was beginning to think she ought to
call someone; after the episode in the dining room the day
before, she realized belatedly that she didn’t feel entirely
safe alone with him. That realization came as a subtle
shock, one that grew more profound as its implications
became clearer.

Then, as suddenly as it had begun, Hoddle’s strange
behavior ceased. He stopped talking, and looked at her in
mild surprise, as if he had just realized she was there.
Then he smiled. “Forgive me, Miss Parmentier. I get a
little carried away at times. The accident seems to have
affected me in some odd ways. I still am not used to
thinking with a diminished capacity.”

Holly reached out and touched his arm. “Please don’t
give it another thought, doctor,” she said, a little ashamed
that she could have forgotten what the man must be going
through. “I won’t say that I know how you feel; there’s no
way I could possibly know what it must be like for you.
But I am trying to understand, and I’ll continue to try.”

They were quiet for a moment, then Holly said,
“Would you like me to ask the computer those questions
you raised about the fuel?” She waited while he
considered, still a little fearful of his possible response.

After a moment, he looked up. “All right,” he said. “I
suppose it’s best that we know for certain.”

Holly watched him closely, but he appeared quite calm
and normal. Nevertheless, she left him as soon as she was
decently able to, and headed for her quarters. Maybe the
computer would have the answers she was looking for,
maybe not. Either way, she would at least know what
their options were.

* * *

“You mean he’s wrong?” Holly stared at the figure of
The Doctor, willing herself not to get too excited. The
computer replied confidently.

“Sure he is. Look, we’re already up to speed. All we
have to do is use a little fuel to fire a few burns from the
attitude thrusters to turn us around and get us back on
course for earth. Then we do what we’ve been doing for
most of the way already: we coast. You and the others go
back to sleep, and I look after things until we get close to
earth.”

Holly thought for a moment. “And that won’t take
much water? We’ll still have enough to slow us as we get
close to earth?”

“Sure,” replied the computer. “I don’t know what his
problem is, but it’s not the fuel, that’s for sure.”

Holly pondered what the computer had said, then
asked, “Doc, could you run a psychological profile on
Hoddle without him being aware of it?”

The Doctor was silent for a moment, then said, “I
don’t know, Holly. He’s not up to full speed, I know, but
he’s still a very smart cookie. He might tumble what
we’re up to.”

Holly nodded. “Yes, I know. How about just doing as
much as you can do without him noticing? Could you get
an idea of his state of mind from something like that?”

“Maybe,” said the Doctor. “Why, Holly? Do you think
he might not be…you know, all there?”

Holly frowned. “I’m not sure. Most of the time he
seems OK, but just occasionally there are these moments
when he doesn’t look right. And that outburst in the
canteen yesterday came from nowhere.” She went on to
tell the computer what had occurred in Hoddle’s cabin
that morning.

“So I think it might be wise if we knew just what he’s
likely to do. I mean, is he likely to get violent, or
anything? Being the only… normal person, I guess, has
made me painfully aware of how alone I am. Oh, I know
Jase wouldn’t let me come to any harm, but if there is
anything wrong with Hoddle, we have to know. And,” she
finished, “there’s the safety of the others to consider. Jase
and I can’t watch them all of the time.”

They tossed a few ideas back and forth for a while,
then Holly said, “I’m beat, Doc. I’m going to my cabin to
try and get some sleep. I didn’t get much last night,
thinking of all this and… everything, I guess. Let me
sleep for a few hours, then we’ll get Chrissie and Cathy
back into their cells and start looking for some more
likely candidates to thaw.” She smiled at the terminal.
“I’ll see you, Doc.”

“Sure, Doll,” said the computer. “You get some
shuteye. I’ll mind the store, don’t worry.”

Holly floated to the door, then turned. “Wake me if
there’re any problems, Doc.”

“You bet.”

Holly smiled, then headed for her room.

* * *

The soft ping of the door chime woke Holly four hours
later. She opened her eyes, still blurry from sleep, and
said, “Who is it?”

“It’s me, Holly,” came the quiet reply. “J-Jase. Can I
come in?”

Holly rolled off her bunk. “Just a sec,” she said,
pulling on a t-shirt over her nakedness, and slipping into a
coverall. When she was dressed, she opened the door.
Jase Kerr stood there, looking shy and a little nervous.
“What’s wrong, Jase?” she asked.

Jase shook his head. “N-nothing, Holly. I, um, just
wanted to see you.”

Holly waited, but he said no more, just stood there
with his eyes down. “Well, look, uh, please, come in,” she
said, moving aside to let him in. The man entered the
room hesitantly, still looking at the floor. He looked so ill
at ease, Holly felt a wave of pity for him. She had felt so
much for this man, and to see him like this… She took his
arm and said, “Sit down, Jase. Would you like something
to drink?”

He looked up at her and smiled. “That’d be n-nice,
Holly.”

While she busied herself making coffee, Holly
wondered what he might want. Please don’t let there be
something strange about him, too, she pleaded. She still
thought a lot of this man, and for him to turn out like
Hoddle would be the last straw. Holly returned with two
flasks of coffee and gave one to Kerr, who was sitting on
her bunk. Holly took the chair beside him, and they tasted
their drinks.

Jase looked at her. “Mmm, good c-coffee,” he
stammered.

Holly smiled, but said nothing. Better to let him get it
out in his own time, she thought. They sat in a not too
awkward silence for a few minutes, then Kerr said, “I –
I’ve been trying to remember how I used to feel about
things, Holly. How I used to b-be, I guess. It – it’s not too
easy when you don’t know how s-s-smart you were, or
how you felt about something.” He took another sip of his
coffee, then put it down in its holder on the side table and
looked at Holly. “Or someone.”

Holly looked at him, her heart going out to him. She
had been so attracted to this man, and before the accident
she would have liked nothing better than to be alone in
her cabin with him. But now, in his condition, it seemed
wrong, as if she would be violating a trust, taking
advantage in some way, as she had felt with Caleb. She
was trying to think of a response when Jase reached out
and touched her hand. “Holly,” he said, hesitant and shy,
but determined to say what he wanted to say, “I d-don’t
remember how I felt about you be-before. All I know is n-
now, and I.... I don’t have the right words anymore.” He
looked at her, his face reflecting his confusion. “Were
we…did we like each other, Holly?”

Holly held his hand tightly, her eyes brimming. “Yes,
Jase, we did.” Her voice choked, and Jase said, “Really
like each other?”

Holly nodded, tears filling her eyes, gripping his hand.
With an effort, she recovered a little. “But I don’t think it
would be right for us to… like each other too much, you
know. I mean…”

“You think I’m j-j-just a child,” said Jase.

Holly moved closer to him. “No, no, Jase, that’s not
what I mean. I just don’t think it would be fair to…”

“I love you, Holly,” said Jase abruptly. “I h-hope I did
before, but I know I do n-n-now.”

Holly rose from her chair and drifted to sit on the bunk
beside him, her arm around his shoulders. “Oh, Jase…I
don’t know if I can handle this right now. What with
everything going on, the ship, the others, Hoddle…”

She looked at him in frustration, feeling a little
desperate as the weight of all that had happened
threatened to collapse in on her like an imploding star.
She held him tightly, and rested her head on his shoulder
as he hesitantly put his arm around her. “It’s okay,
Holly,” he said, “I un-understand. I want to help you. Can
I help you? Tell me w-w-what to do.”

Holly smiled, both touched and saddened at his childlike
attempts to comfort her, and she kissed his cheek.
Jase turned to her and kissed her lips, clumsily like a
young boy would, and then Holly was lost, kissing him,
running her hands through his hair, gasping as he held her
and they floated in the buoyancy of the cabin. Moving,
making room, hands fumbling, coveralls peeling off, skin
touching, only a boy, only a boy she told herself, but his
body was all man, the feel of him long and hard in her
hand, not as big as Caleb, thank God.

Then she was holding him, feeling him against her,
both of them floating in the air, squirming under him,
spinning in the air, his mouth on her breasts, his hands
clutching her silky cheeks, holding her against him. Then
wrapping herself around him and feeling him enter her, so
smooth, so easy, so right, the delicious feeling as they
joined; weightless, moving, gasping, kissing, feeling her
orgasm approaching, whispering, urging him on, hurry,
faster, oh Jase, love me.

Then her explosion, unlike anything she had ever
imagined or experienced alone in her spinster’s bed, the
waves taking her, transporting her away and above, her
spirit flying as she thrust herself against him, holding him
inside her as he gasped into her open mouth.

This was her first time, her first real man, not those
sticky schoolgirl fumblings. Clutching him, looking into
his eyes, seeing him in there, the real him, feeling him
spasm inside her, crying out her name.

Slowly they subsided, panting, his mouth in her hair,
kissing her face. Then they were quiet, still holding each
other. Holly nuzzled his neck as he softened and slipped
out of her, and they drifted down to the bunk together.
Jase lay back, and Holly rested her head on his smooth
chest, her arm around him holding him close. Neither said
anything; they had done what they had done, and regrets
were useless, even if they had existed. Which, Holly
realized, they did not.

By being together, they had passed through one door
while closing another firmly behind them. No matter what
happened from now on, Holly knew she loved him, just as
he loved her. Whatever problems they had, they would
face together. Holly closed her eyes and, safe in the arms
of her man, drifted off to sleep.