Open Writing

Gardening is not attractive or fascinating for everyone.

I for one can speak from experience, having passed through all phases of agricultural and horticultural production, from lack of interest to obsession, with the pendulum of enthusiasm coming to rest in a midway position.

Like most gardeners starting from scratch, I made mistakes and hopefully learned from them, but they were not the calamities such as those I relate below -- ones which did actually happen.

A friend of mine was visited by his grandson, a lad in his early teens. Wishing to be helpful, the boy asked if there were any jobs he might do for his grandfather. Accordingly, he was set to work weeding a bed of roses, grandpa presuming there was little chance of damage that could result from the task.

How wrong he was in that presumption!

Time elapsed, and an inspection of the rate of progress was made. The boy was working diligently removing the weeds, but grandpa was puzzled by the fact that all the rose bushes had been unearthed and laid on the surrounding area. Quite naturally he enquired why that was so, only to be further confounded by the logic of his grandson. He thought -- so he said -- it would be much quicker if he removed the rose bushes, thereby providing himself with a clean field of operation!!

Suffice to say grandad and grandson are still on good terms with each other.

As a lad of 11 or 12 I spent much time ‘helping’ the gardeners in our local park. One time I was busily engaged on some task and merrily whistling whilst I worked.

Alfie, one of the gardeners, casually enquired of me what kind of peas Anna sold in her shop. Anna kept a small shop in which she stocked most eatables, fresh, packeted or tinned.

In answer to the question I said I would enquire whilst away at dinnertime. That I did, dutifully reporting back in the afternoon. Alfie then recommended I speak to Anna and ask for a new pea, one which I could put in my whistle!

Young people are not the only ones to err in gardening methods. A family man I knew was one such. He and his family moved into a cottage which sported an attached garden, the first they had been acquainted with.

One evening the father was seen planting young cabbages. Strangely though, he was burying the leaves in the soil, leaving the roots above ground. Neighbours, enquiring as to why he should do so, were told that his suppliers -- workmates -- had instructed him that was the correct method!!

Fact can be stranger than fiction.

Anyone who has had dealings with gardening will be well aware of the persistent infestation of weeds. ‘Weeds’ being the generic term for unwanted outgrowth. There are others, many of a more colourful nature, but one lad I know had coined his own title. He referred to them as ‘sooners’. As soon as you pull them up, others take their place.

On the death of his mother-in-law one acquaintance of mine inherited, amongst other items, the contents of the deceased’s garage, which included gardening aids and utensils, amongst which stood a cardboard box with a frontage picture depicting a lawn of immaculate condition.

Our hero immediately leapt to the conclusion that he possessed a magic lawn fertilizer which would renovate his own tattered greenery. Application of the box’s contents ensued, to be followed by a period of anticipation and expectation at the end of which there would result a lawn of billiard table texture.

Alas, that was not to be. The existing grass turned brown, shrivelled, died and blew away.

It was then the instructions were consulted and when ham-fisted Adam learned what he had done. The box contained weed killer which, it was stated, was not selective but killed all greenery it touched!

A period of scorched earth followed, but patience and diligence resulted in an acceptable growth, albeit several years later than originally planned.