Open Features: Talking Piece
Here’s a confused conversation between father and daughter. But are they really related to one another? Miriam McAtee brings us a very funny story in the form of a conversation piece.
Dad? Hi! It’s me. (Cheerfully. A lot of background music.)
Hello, love. (Muffled)
I’m having trouble with my car.
What? (Puzzled)
My car, Dad…can you come over and fix it?
When? ( Eagerly)
This evening.
This evening? Sure I can do that, but……
Dad, you sound…..funny.
I’m in the middle of a sandwich.
Oh, sorry! Dad, about my car……
What? What’s this about a car?
Dad, please put on your hearing aid.”
I’ve told you, girl, I don’t need a hearing aid!”
Oh, Dad, please…….
Now you sound funny….got a cold?
Put on your hearing aid, Dad! (Impatiently)
Don’t need one. (Stubbornly) What car?
My car, Dad……
Turn down that music, love, otherwise you will need a hearing aid. (Chuckling)
Oh, Daddy! Anyhow…. can you come over? Tonight?
We are coming over tonight anyway aren’t we?
What?
Tonight. (Patiently) We are coming over for dinner! You said!
Who? (Puzzled)
Mum and me, of course.
What?
See! (Gleefully) I think you need a hearing aid!
Dad! this is hopeless, can I speak to Mum? (Urgently)
You sound funny, love……all that noise, can’t you turn it off?
Dad, please stop eating for a minute and fetch your hearing aid.
Don’t need one, don’t want one (Stubbornly, again)
Dad. (Desperately) Where’s Mum?
Out shopping….you’ll see her tonight.
Are you coming over tonight? (A little put out)
Sure, we fixed it for tonight didn’t we?
Oh, did we? (Concerned)
You’ve forgotten? Dinner with you was fixed for tonight.
Dad. I’ve got to speak to Mummy. It isn’t tonight. But if you are coming to fix my car, then ok…….. dinner for you both.
What’s this about a car? Please turn that awful sound down!
Dad, please put on your hearing aid and stop chewing for a minute!
I haven’t got a hearing aid……don’t need one!
Dad, don’t start that again……….
Look, love, I’ll come over and see about your car but don’t mention the hearing aid again…….
er….er…..did you buy a car?
But you were with me when I bought the car……. (Light dawning) Who is this I am talking to?
(Sharply)
What?
Who are you?
Look, love……what’s this all about?
Are you my father?
Of course I am! (Indignantly)
Am I talking to David Perkins?
Who?
You’re not David Perkins are you? You are not my father!
What’s going on? (Angrily) Of course I am not David Perkins, but I am your father!.......
are you sick, love?
Of course not, I’m fine. I just want my car fixed to go to a party!
Well, then, as far as I know, you do not have a car…..we are coming over for dinner tonight…..and I am your father. See, I’ve got all that! Don’t need a hearing aid. (Triumphantly)
You are not my father……
What?
Oh sh…... (Whispering, then louder, light beginning to dawn) Sorry, I think I’ve punched in the wrong number. Please, who am I talking to?
Charlie Lawson……you are Cathy our daughter aren’t you?
No, sorry.
What?
Oh, never mind. Thanks, anyway. (Firmly) I made a mistake. Sorry.
What’s that? Are we not coming to your place for dinner tonight?
No, sorry…..
But Mum and I were looking forward to it…..you are a great little cook.
I’m really sorry. The whole thing is a mistake. You are not my Dad.
What?
Oh, no! (Despairingly) Listen, Mr. Lawson, I made a mistake……I’ve got the wrong number, I thought I was talking to my father David Perkins.
David Perkins? Don’t know him.
No……well…… so sorry. I must go, I must get hold of my father to fix my car…..
Oh, yes, about your car. I can still come over and fix it for you.
You are very kind, but my father will fix it. Anyway, many thanks. It was nice talking to you.
So what’s this all about? (Peevishly, very confused) If you have a father of your own why did you ring me and pretend I am your father? I can still come over to fix your car though. (Hopefully) I know a lot about cars…..and what about dinner?
You are very kind, but there is no need. My father….er…it’s ok…I can manage. Really! Thank you very much. Goodbye!
Oh, all right then. (Huffily)
* *
Before she put down the phone the girl heard the man say:
Hello, Mary. Back already? Well! I’ve had the most peculiar conversation with our daughter who says she is not our daughter and she thinks she has a car but we know she hasn’t bought a car yet…….and….. and we aren’t going to her place for dinner after all…….
Faintly she heard a woman gasp.
"What?''
Gently she replaced the receiver.
