Open Writing

New Zealand is recovering from a massive shock wave. No we haven’t been hit by an earthquake or a tsunami, something more shocking and sinister has taken place which has made us all sit up and think.

Two tiny premature twins were released from the warm and tender care of the neonatal unit in Auckland to their “loving” home where they were welcomed by a drunken drug-filled party and shaken and bashed around their heads, probably being swung by their feet, and killed.

The “grieving” extended family, including the grandparents, who had been present at the “party,” were granted freedom from investigation until after the three day Tangi (funeral ceremony) and then promptly closed ranks, pleading “right of silence'',thus hindering the police in their search for the guilty. Is guilty too kind a word?

The family pleads underprivilege, poverty etc, etc as, unemployed, their net income of $2,000 plus per week in benefits (far more than the average amount for most households) is poured into two homes whose priority is allegedly not food and warmth, but booze and drugs.

Who do we blame?

Throughout the world such cases could be quoted, families where abuse and violence are the norm not the exception. People blame the system, claiming lack of opportunities, the loss of cultural heritage due to European intervention, underprivilege, abuse in their own childhood and so on and so on. But in countries where free education, free health services and adequate support for people who cannot or will not work, extra benefits for solo parents and much more, including counselling for families at risk and parenting programmes, has anyone the right to blame others for killing a child? Does anyone have the right to pass the buck for deliberately hurting, either psychologically or physically, another human being? Surely there is no excuse.

As my initial anger cooled to rational thought about the issue of abuse I began to analyse the situation. Who abuses, and what is abuse? It can occur anywhere and in any stratum of society. It isn’t the province of the underprivileged, under-educated and unemployed, collectively known as drop-outs, no-hopers, not people you mix with. Hidden behind the curtained windows of the well to do, the upper and middle classes, are women who “walk into doors” and children who tremble when they hear returning footsteps, little girls and little boys who are frightened when they go to bed of what might happen to them in the night and know they can tell no tales. Then there is the psychological abuse of being ignored, not spoken to, put down, knowing you are not wanted and made to feel inadequate or stupid, which leads to a future of underachievement and low esteem or overachievement in an endless and futile attempt to please over critical parents. Psychological and emotional neglect colour the rest of their lives. What damage people and, more hurtfully, parents can inflict on children.

We hear theories about breaking the cycle. The abused may become the abuser in adult life or will seek out some one, be they male or female, for abuse isn’t just the prerogative of the male, who will abuse them, unless we break the cycle. No doubt there is merit in these theories, professors write theses about them and students gain PhD’s in stating the obvious. But what is the obvious? When you are hit it hurts, you know it hurts. What sort of person, for we are all born with freedom of choice, wants to hurt someone else, physically or mentally, particularly their child or chosen spouse or maybe it is their elderly parent, old people “walk into doors” and are shut away, unwanted, in lonely rooms. It doesn’t make sense. An animal wouldn’t do what some so-called human beings do to their young.

In my last years as a teacher I was invited to work with a psychology team. My role was to deal with children who were underachieving or being disruptive because they came from dysfunctional homes. Removing them from class in ones and twos it was my job to encourage them and teach them. Most of them thrived, only one failed to respond. They will never be Einsteins but the glow of pleasure in their eyes and their sense of achievement as they realised they were as good as the others and, moreover, the knowledge that they could do it, is something I will value far more than the reward of seeing my other students pass University Entrance or Scholarship exams.

In breakdown discussions with the psychologists I pointed out that we should not just be concentrating on the disruptive, merely taking them out of class to get them out of the teacher’s hair, we should also be looking at the quiet ones sitting alone in corners, saying nothing, the ones who didn’t mix with the others in the playground, perhaps their problems were greater than the unruly boys.

What did I really do that year? I like to think of myself as their mum, the one who said “well done,” “give it a go, "you can do it.” I wasn’t there to welcome them home with a warm drink, to listen to their stories of what had happened during the day or tuck them up cosy and safe at night. What happened when the bell rang was beyond my control.

Which brings me back to who do we blame? The government gives out benefits, not large ones but adequate, to the have-nots. Is the government to blame if the benefits are spent on booze and drugs rather than food and clothing for the helpless in the recipients care? “Break the cycle?” Are others to blame for our actions, shouldn’t we learn from the pain we suffered rather than continue it? Education, health services, social services, voluntary organisations, church groups, food banks are they to blame when we fail to avail ourselves of the help they freely offer?

It all comes down to one thing doesn’t it? “Who is my brother’s keeper?” We are all responsible for each other and for our own actions. “Do as you would be done by.” Don’t hurt your child, spouse, parent or anyone. Don’t cross over when you see someone who needs help or close eyes or ears to things you would rather not know about. Don’t ignore the obvious. We are all our brothers’ keepers, but no doubt babies all over the world will be beaten about the head and die and people will blame others, never themselves.