Open Writing

We live in strange times. Reporting of alien spacecraft landing and interfering with earth’s inhabitants is on the increase. At the beginning of alien invasion scares, all that happened was that unexplained objects were seen flying or darting through the night skies at alarming rates. It is perhaps not at all significant that these were always reported by men with beards and high pitched voices wrapped in woolly sweaters, sporting a brown tweedacket, a red kayacket, a green anoracket, a daylight blue kagoulacket, or an olive drab parkacket with imitation fox fur collar.

Hundreds of these gentlemen have taken to walking desolate moorlands in the darkness of night with unpatented UFO-detectors made from old cake tins and spent light bulbs (to employ the very low frequency light waves that broken bulbs emit), powered by almost portable 12 volt car batteries that they move around the heather and rock sprouted landscape with extreme difficulty on the remains of Tesco shopping trolleys salvaged from stagnant canals and litter-strewn side streets.

In deadly earnest, and cocksure that their contraptions are working and actually emitting and receiving signals of invitation to and from extra-terrestrials, this dedicated band of men regard themselves as the watchful on the towers for the rest of the human race that, for reasons they cannot comprehend, regard them with some frequent amusement and occasional disdain. They are encouraged by their wives in their expeditions to send messages of peace to inquisitive non-earthlings because it gets their peculiar spouses out of the house for long periods, and almost to a woman have knitted them Fair Isle pullovers to assist them spending as long a period as possible out on their nocturnal jaunts without having to dash back to their bricks and mortar to warm up between watching and hoping.

In spite of there being hundreds of these dedicated UFO spotters, they shared only a handful of names, such as Rodney - shortened to Rodders, Nigel - shortened to Nige, and Keith, which has to date defied all their efforts to shorten it. Their wives have other names for them, but it would be tactless to disclose them.

These brave men insouciantly tolerate insult, abuse, name calling, slurs about their sanity, and affronts to their intelligence and, thus far, nothing has deterred dissuaded them from their first avowed intent to contact outer space pilgrims.

They relentlessly watch the night sky for anything that moves at the right speed in the wrong direction, or in the right direction at the wrong speed, and report their findings to the like-minded at bi-monthly meetings held in Mechanics Institutes and Public Non-Subscription Libraries up and down the country. The more florid reports of their activities and ‘contacts’ appear in newspapers, magazines, and on television programmes on slow news days.

Although these gentlemen have not tired of lugging their contraptions around the wheeled-cart-unfriendly moors and being laughed at for their troubles, it has become apparent that UFO commanders were ordered to increase their interaction with the eccentric inhabitants of Planet Earth. This reinvigorated the UFO business which became the almost exclusive provenance of men in cars coming home hours late from routine journeys less than a few miles from home. Arriving inexplicably late, dishevelled, and without the mandatory cell-telephone call they tell their incredulous wives,

"I was driving along, getting home earlier than usual, when, lo and behold, what do you think, Gladys? Out of the blue I was dazzled by bright lights that caused all the electrical systems in the car to fail!"

"I was stuck in the middle of nowhere, just a few miles down the road, but with no power and total engine failure, they could not get home! How very dratted I was! The dashboard-mounted compass spent the entire time spinning round and round at the presence of a suddenly visible alien space craft whose portals opened, whence rubber tin men exited the vehicle and took me inside as an unwilling hostage."

Reports flooded in of men - they were always men - being stopped in their vehicles on their way home - they were always on their way home - and being taken inside the space vehicles for extensive tests including full medical and psychometric examination and, occasionally, other unmentionable experiments, some involving alcohol or alien chemical tests on their skins and clothes. This last looked suspiciously like common lipstick when it entered earth’s atmosphere.

Some believed these stories. Victims were local sort-of-heroes for a day or two and, some who did not know them too well actually believed their story. Some, who knew them better, knew better! As the divorce rate rose, stories of that order fell dramatically.

Slowly but surely, the UFO business was wrested from the hands of wool-bearing hooded men to become the field of enquiry of further out pseudo-scientists whose parlance defied comprehension by ordinary mortals. These mapped the celestial realms with lines and grids to identify the origin of the bigger and better vessels that were roaming the night skies with increasing impudence, due no doubt to their inability to be detected by radar.

But as the old breed of sky watchers became disinterested in aliens that did not talk back to them, and were replaced by fast-talking and more believable personnel, the saucer captains took more risks and geared up their interest and interaction, some call it interference, with humanity.

My theory is they do not wish to invade earth. Rather, that they have a much more cunning plan. Because we do not trust historians to write accurate histories on account of their prejudices, all previous reports of extra-terrestrial activity in the ancient world have been expunged from the memory of the human race by revisionist historians. But my theory is that these non-earthers have been coming for a long time and our cake-tin heroes have rediscovered them by undeserved good luck. Although we did not suspect it, Outergalacticians know all about the Trojan Horse Scam, and have reinvented it to use in their plans to take over our ailing planet.

Their cunning lies in their knowing that we would probably notice a seven-foot tall green ‘thing’ with one central eye, green hair, and five ears walking down High Street. Too obvious, and them having seen what Hollywood has portrayed as the standard welcome to anything not human – and to some that are human, they have a dastardly plan that slips under the normal radar of our instinctive self-preservation, thus assuring that their machinations receive little attention.

The Space Invader Trojan Horse Scam consists of stealing our children one by one and replacing them with virtual clones. And, because children change so often with little stimulus or reason, the switch goes unnoticed. Even when the evidence that little Johnny is from the far-off planet Thurggh, mothers and fathers ignore it, and mutter "It’s just a phase he’s going through!" behind their newspapers. Well - have I got news for you!

Because the child replacement programme is more widespread than anyone realises (it could already be too late), I have undertaken to make a catalogue of signs by which you can know if your child is the one you started out with or whether the old switcheroo has claimed you as its victim. I will share with you the intelligence that I made an application for government funding to research and publish this study, but I was turned down. The reason for refusal? That little card I carry in my wallet that identifies me as an "Alien!" Why is it called a "Green Card"? Is it a reference to Little Green men, I wonder?

There are two kinds of tests required to establish beyond reasonable doubt the alienality of your little ones. One is what they say, and the other is what they do. You must keep a diary and watch them attentively, and record everything they do and say. Under no circumstances should you ignore any of the sure signs that you are harbouring a creature from outer space.

The Sure Signs that the Alien Replacement Programme has been initiated in your family with your own child or children now follow in no particular order of importance. A solitary Sure Sign can be overlooked as normal eccentricity in your child as resulting from having you as a parent, but two or more and you are harbouring a Thurgghian unbeknown, and can do nothing about it!

The Autumn Leaves Sign

It is only by exercising the greatest degree of self-control that I can walk past a pile of autumn leaves without kicking at it vigorously with my arthritic feet and scattering them into the air in a whirl of autumn’s winds.

Those whose first scattering of autumn leaves has slipped from memory, or those who have never actually done it, such as Saharan Bedouins and Thrurggians, are unaware of the profound spiritual satisfaction that flows from that action and will actually walk past pile after pile after pile of heaped dry leaves and feel no impulse to kick it to blazes. This is not normal and should be recorded as solid evidence of potential alien status of the unfortunate little outsider.

The Snowdrift Sign

Closely related to piles of autumn leaves but initiated by a different impulse and a resulting in a different level of emotional satisfaction is the destruction of snowdrifts. For classification reasons this is linked to The Walking on Virgin Snow Sign (See below).

The Splashing in Puddles Sign

For reasons that are still unknown, puddles have a maximum attraction rating. Parents know that as soon as a child is dressed in Sunday best clothes, new shoes, and clean socks, especially white socks, the child will immerse himself up to the waist in the first puddle that presents itself. Children who are too tired to walk across the living room have been known to make detours of extraordinary length to ‘christen’ a puddle. Therefore, if a child steers carefully around an inviting puddle whether in First Communion, Party Princess, Superman Outfit, or Whitsuntide clothes, it is not the one with which you started out, but a definite non-human alien replacement.

The Walking on Virgin Snow Sign (see Snowdrifts)

Alien replacements are pathologically conforming and obedient. This includes but is not limited to doing things the first time he or she is told, and he never says "Just a minute Mummy!" when asked to do something.

Little alien replacements put away clothes, and do not complain about the clothes you buy for him. Actually likes the geeky glasses you bought him and wears them everywhere.

Other signs are that the child gets dressed and is ready to go to school on Saturdays, tidies its room, does not demur when you kiss him in front of his friends, goes to bed on time without a reminder, and does homework willingly and cheerfully.

Ersatz children never walk on low walls, climb gates, they keep both gloves together, eat leftover macaroni cheese, do not try to boil eggs in the microwave, don’t shave the cat’s fur with dad’s electric razor, doesn’t like tomato ketchup, wears a hat in cold weather without being prompted, changes his underwear at his own volition, and when you go to his room to call him for school, he is up, has had breakfast, fed the cat, walked the dog, he is bathed, dressed, and his bed is made.

Additionally, he gets straight "A"s all the time, every time, completes his homework before switching on the television, doesn’t bother with girls except as friends, and it shows, writes ‘thank you’ notes to people who send him birthday and Christmas gifts, happily wears the funny hat Uncle John brought him back from Africa, likes going to church and sings hymns at the top of his voice, does not bang doors shut, and he flushes the toilet!

Besides which, he puts a new toilet roll on the holder when he empties the old one and puts it in the right way round. He never leaves the soap in the water, cleans the bath and sink after use, does not occupy the bathroom for longer than five minutes, and that includes the time it takes him to clear the floor and wipe down the bath, shower, and washing basin.

This semi-angelic being never teases or nips his younger siblings, even when they are sisters, and he is never mean to anyone, even when sorely provoked.

You can find out whether you have the original item or have had a sub-human foisted on you by cruel inter-galactic comedians by tallying your score: a simple process that even human adults can follow without getting lost.

Any one of the above signs can be considered borderline in the absence of more than one sign or other compelling clinical evidence. Two signs is a hovering borderline, but should be taken as more likely to be positively diagnostic than not. If you can see three of these signs there can be no doubt that the tidy, smiling, pleasant, little person is from a remote sphere and that your kid is on an interstellar exchange programme! The further away from normal he is, the further out from our universe is his origin.

When will he return and you get your own kid back? This is usually effected within one month of marriage. His wife will be the first to find out. You should ensure you have a non-return clause with her well before the nuptials are celebrated. Otherwise …..

Copyright © 2006 Ronnie Bray

ALL RIGHTS RESERVED