Fast Fiction: Only A Story
MINISTER IN RED LIGHT SEX SHOCK. Following on the heels of such a headline a Prime Minister sometimes has to make a surprising decision, as Richard Mallinson reveals.
'I follow no leaders and I lead no followers,' I said to members of my close circle one night at Westminster as we sipped our brandies.
'A fine phrase,' said Danvers.
'Yes,' I said, 'Max Beerbohm used it first.'
'I wouldn't put Beerbohm in your league,' said Danvers. 'He wasn't even a politician.'
'Hear, hear,' went up.
'Who was Max Beerbohm?' I heard that ignorant sod Ratten whisper.
Danvers said, 'Are we going to mount a leadership challenge or not?'
They all looked at me.
*
Later, when I became prime minister, I felt that Ratten was the only one of my circle who wasn't ministerial material.
He took it badly when I told him and soon, from the back benches, he was plotting and scheming against me.
What was I to do?
I called Danvers in for advice. He was now education secretary, though not very effective, which suited me. (Bugger education.)
'We must curb Ratten,' I said. 'Have the whips got anything on him?'
'Just leave this to me,' said Danvers.
*
A fortnight later, glancing at the papers over breakfast, I came to the Sunday Blare:
MINISTER IN RED LIGHT SEX SHOCK
Wait a minute, I thought, Ratten isn't a minister. I looked at the photograph. It was of a bleary-eyed Danvers.
The idiot, I thought, the bloody idiot.
Then . . . eureka! I decided to make Ratten education secretary.
Just the man for the job, I thought, smugly.
