Consequences: 32 - Consequences
...So on to a new year & a new decade. This past decade has been full of joy but also full of sorrow with the death of dear Mother, whom I shall never forget. But also joy at finding again the love of my life & at the pleasure of getting to know our beautiful baby...
And so, after trials and tribulations, things now are going well for Charles and Mary Walker and their infant daughter.
Jean Day's novel, told so satisfyingly in diary form, comes to a happy conclusion.
Jean based Consequences on an actual diary. Next week she will give an account of what happened to the characters mentioned in the story which has been unfolding in Open Writing for the past 32 weeks.
Charles’ Diary
26 MONDAY
What a wonderful Christmas we had, although it did not start out quite so fine. We went to church, everyone seemed friendly & normal. We went to a children’s party at cousin Harry’s house for the benefit of his daughter Eliza. At our juvenile party today; present Harry and Eliza Walker, Mrs. Mary Ann Walker, Charley & Pruey Griffin; Eliza, Rich, George & Emily Wilson; Adelaide Hilbourne with her sons; Mary, baby Mary & self, 15 of us; a very noisy party, the usual routine of games at forfeits & lunch.
Then we came home & opened presents. When I showed Mary the book I had bought for baby Mary she shouted & shouted at me that how couldn’t I understand that Mary was stupid & would never read & never be normal & would be our responsibility for the rest of our lives. I knew that she was upset, but felt I had had enough of her tantrums & stormed out of the house, slamming the door.
I went to Boughton & later went to Wilson’s. When I got home, I suddenly remembered that it was Sarah’s day off & that Mary would have the job of putting baby Mary to bed on her own, which she has never done before. I walked quietly in the house & up the stairs & as I opened the door into the baby’s room I saw the most wonderful sight. Mary was there, with her nightgown open. She was holding baby Mary in her arms & crooning to her softly as she slept. She had bared her breast as if she had been feeding her. I couldn’t stop the tears from coursing down my face. It was what I had hoped & prayed for these past months. Finally Mary had accepted our baby & was growing to love her. Mary & I put her to bed together & then retired to our bed, much happier than for as long as I can remember.
27 TUESDAY
Mary told me that she has found dampness on her clothes & suspects that she might be capable of producing milk, even after this long abstinence from it. She will try feeding Mary herself for short periods today & see if her theory holds.
Letter from Uncle Clephan also with Christmas greetings. Jones down last night, having been away for above a week owing to our general behavior to him, he says, by which he supposes he was not so welcome as hither to he had been; long talk thereon & general explanation regarding understanding.
28 WEDNESDAY
At the Natural History Socy room this evening with Jones to hear Mr. Hastings, a son of Sir Chas Hastings deliver a course on History beginning with the landing of Henry the 7th; he gave an excellent sketch of the state of England at this period, her laws, customs, manners of the people, the conditions of town & country; with a review of European affairs, a sketch of Columbus etc.- a very useful practical discourse. Mr. Needham had invited Mary & me to dinner with him for Sunday & I accepted the invitation but considering after my vegetarian principles "their unsocial nature" I fairly requested him to excuse us & in a kindly spirit he did.
30 FRIDAY
Letter from Uncle Clephan saying he is building a boat for his own family use - "The Elysian" by name & hopes we shall sail in it next summer - I hope so too.
31 SATURDAY
Busy at the office; London News full of pantomime intelligence & illustrations; no note paper down from Deightons; Began letter to Father this morning having had letter from him with a/c of the Christmas festivities at home; which were generally domestic parties; In the evening I managed to finish my letter to & got a pretty long one written, with account of Christmas doings; & retrospection of my progress, & how tho perfectly satisfied with everything round me, still I hope for something more. We will explore the possibilities of baby Mary’s problems early in the New Year. I have made an appointment with Professor Hogarth at the Hospital. So on to a new year & a new decade. This past decade has been full of joy but also full of sorrow with the death of dear Mother, whom I shall never forget. But also joy at finding again the love of my life & at the pleasure of getting to know our beautiful baby.
*****
Mary’s Journal
December 27th
The strangest thing. I seem to be producing milk. I feel my breasts fill up, and drips come out and make my shift wet. I have decided to try to feed Mary for a few minutes each time before Ella feeds her, and see if my milk supply will come in any useful quantity. It is like we are being given a chance to start all over again. It is like a small miracle.
December 31
I can only hope that 1860 will have something good to offer us. For much of 1859 I was in a black fug, but I will make an effort and we have already begun to be a much happier family.
For a long time I thought God had abandoned us, but now I can pray again. Here is my New Year’s poem.
What is Prayer
Prayer is the soul ‘s sincere desire,
Offered or unexpressed,
The emotion of a hidden fire,
That trembles in the breast.
Prayer is the burden of a sigh,
The falling of a tear,
The upward glancing of an eye
When none but God is near.
Prayer is the simplest form of speech
That any life can try.
Prayer the sublimest strains that reach
The majesty on high.
Prayer is the Christians’ vital breath,
The Christians’ native air.
His watchword at the gates of death,
He enters Heaven with prayer.
For prayer is made on earth alone
The Holy Spirit leads
And then on the eternal throne
For sinners intercedes.
Oh thou by whom we come to God
The life, the truth, the way.
The path of prayer thyself has trod,
Lord teach me how to pray.
