Fast Fiction: Ben's The Name
Who would expect a simple name such as Ben to land one in a Pinteresque situation? Richard Mallinson tells an erudite tale.
'Ah,' the female receptionist said, 'you must be -'
'Ben's the name,' I replied, 'always has been, always will be.'
Tell me, is Ben short for Benjamin or Benedict?'
'No, neither. Ben is short for nothing but Ben in my case.'
'Well, I can think of other Bens - such as Ben Nicholson, the painter, and Ben Nicolson, the art critic. And I suppose Rabbi Ben Ezra in Browning's poem.'
'Actually, I'm plain Ben Smith.'
'Smith? I can think of F E Smith, the Tory politician, who became Lord Birkenhead - and John Smith, another politician, who became leader of the Labour Party but soon died. And then there's P G Wodehouse's Psmith.'
'My wife's called Juliet.'
'Ah, it was Shakespeare's Juliet who said, "What's in a name?" wasn't it?' A light flashed. 'Dr Drezel will see you now, Mr Smith,' she said.
*
'Now, Mr er -'
'Smith,' I said, 'Ben Smith.’
'Ah, yes, of course. And you are here because - ?'
'Because I was referred to you by Dr Ja -'
'Ah, yes, of course. I have your details here . . . somewhere.'
He spoke into the intercom. 'Please come in, Ms er Erudit.'
She stood at attention in front of his desk. 'Yes, Dr Drezel?'
'What do we know about Mr er Ben Smith?'
'Well,' she said, 'we know that he's not Ben Nicholson or Ben Nicolson or Rabbi Ben Ezra or FE Smith or John Smith or P G Wodehouse's Psmith.'
'And what do we know about his wife?' 'She's called Juliet, like the one who asked, "What's in a -”’
‘Thank you, Ms er Erudit. That will be all. And don't forget about tonight.'
(At that point I was no longer responsible for my thoughts, I can tell you.)
