Open Writing

I am an extrovert and I love people yet staying at home can often be safer for me. I have allergies.

A friend invited me over for a visit last week and I carefully weighed whether I should go. I am allergic to her cats, (and to dogs and horses and many other animals) . Armed with that information, she quickly offered to lock up her cats during the visit. She has no idea. She doesn’t understand allergies and she seemed not to understand how insidious the hairs are or of what one visit to her home may cost me.

Animal hairs don’t just get trapped in carpets and upholstery. They float in the air, landing on you, on your food, and every surface in the area. Putting a cat outside does not hide the dangers. It can take six months to a year to get the cat hair out of a home.

My brother, Don, had dogs and he was told they were allergy free. I had to smile at that, as people can be allergic to the saliva of an animal and all living creatures have saliva. Of course we can also be allergic to their dander, and their hair.

To be safe, I didn’t visit at Don's but one day, I changed my clothes there enroute to a function. I left my shoes behind. When I picked them up later that day, I could see his dogs liked my shoes as the insole to one had been chewed in half. I picked them up and put them on the car seat.

Twenty minutes later I began having warnings that my allergies were activated. I had to pull over and rummage through my bag for an antihistamine. I was soon to learn that Don's dogs were not allergy free. I was allergic to them.

I love my brother dearly , but for many years, I stopped going to his home.

Two other brothers, and my sister Sue also had pets, so whenever they held big family reunions I was not welcome. Oh, they love me, invited me, and in their eyes I was welcome, but they never knew how dangerous it was for me to go. The allergies could kick in and worse yet it might bring on an asthma episode.

Asthma can demand a lot of drugs over a period of days, or months to get under control. Sometimes it gets way out of control and means a visit to the Emergency Department of a hospital. Sometimes it takes me months to get my body back in harmony. And of course all drugs have side effects, not to mention the financial cost. There are miserable times and sometimes scary times in the meantime. It can be scary in the dark of night when the lungs labor to get oxygen in and I gasp and labor for breath. My friend’s son died gasping for breath due to an asthma episode.

A few years back, I had my biggest lesson in the importance of not attending family functions where there are animals. My sister was having a huge party. There would be over 60 family members and I wanted to be there, but my immune system was really not up for a test. Too much worry can lower the immune system, just as two late nights with less sleep than usual will lower the strength of the system.

A low immune system should remind me to stay away from people with colds and flu. It reminds me that the body is more susceptible and therefore allergies are more likely to become active. And since I have asthma, if the allergies kick in, it also means I am a strong candidate for an asthma episode.

For the family function, my sister had this great idea that she would set up a table and some chairs out on her deck and family members could visit with me outside in safety. Well that sounded good to me! So I attended, because I wanted so much to be with my family.

The weather turned out chilly and very windy and being outside was going to be uncomfortable. I went inside and visited for about 15 minutes and then I felt my chest tightening and my eyes getting itchy. These were both warnings, one for the allergies and the other for the asthma, both hitting around the same time. I knew I needed to get out of the house NOW.

I found a niece and asked her if she would meet me outside to visit. "Sure, aunt Ellie, I'd love to do that." was her reply.

I went out and waited, occasionally looking in through the big window seeing all my family visiting and laughing.

I continued to wait, shivering a bit with the chill of the winds. I guess my niece got tied up. That would be a given in a crowd that size. I pictured myself going in and asking someone else to come out and be with me. Then I pictured the next person getting sidetracked and another no-show! I knew that would cause me to feel badly, forgotten.

I stood there on the outside, looking in, and a big lump formed in my throat. I felt, alone, left out and suddenly very sad. I watched my daughters and grandchildren moving around the room, engrossed in conversation and nibbling at the food. I could see my mother with one of her sisters, listening intently. I could hear the muffled sounds of a party.

Though I was feet away from my entire family, as I looked through that big window, I had felt isolated, almost abandoned. The bleakness of the weather matched my feelings. I felt wretched, dejected and unwanted. Of course they loved me, but still a feeling of such total aloneness persisted.

I left , went to my car, got in and began to cry. I phoned my husband, Shawn, who was at home.

"Honey, I'm coming home. I need to be around someone who loves me." These emotional words, though my perception was distorted and oblique, expressed the feelings of the moment.

When another family function was held at the home of a sibling, who had pets, I declined. I discovered it easier to stay away completely than to torture myself and be on the outside , looking in. Yet every time I look at all the group pictures from those functions, I feel sad, because I am not a part of it.

Allergies are the pits.