Open Writing

“Oh, Marlene, I love one in a morning, before breakfast. It really helps usher the day in. The trouble is before you know it, it’s another and another, and the next thing it’s ten o’clock… I’m a ten a day woman at the moment - don’t even stop for Corrie and Heartbeat. And last week, when the grandkids came round, I let them watch a video so I could finish one.’’

Ah, but what is Susan Siddeley on about in this delicious monologue? You are sure to be surprised.

Before Breakfast - A Monologue
Oh, Marlene, I love one in a morning, before breakfast. It really helps usher the day in. The trouble is before you know it, it’s another and another, and the next thing it’s ten o’clock! I don’t know what I did all day before I started. Mostly, I manage to hide them from Bill, but he does know and it’s okay this month. He’s on late shift, so he’s not down before eleven.

Why do it, you say? Well, I can’t see it harms anyone. I don’t know really why I’m nattering on about it, but I’m a ten a day woman at the moment - don’t even stop for Corrie and Heartbeat. And last week, when the grandkids came round, I let them watch a video so I could finish one. Like I say, Bill doesn’t like them, thinks they sap my energy, willpower. And he’s right, they do.
Do something about it? I have! I’ve tried cutting back, but it’s hard. I hide them, but then I get all-frantic and go running around, desperate. When I’m out shopping, I even fish in bins for discards. Isn’t that disgusting?
Am I worried about my health? Well, I don’t know about my health, but my sanity, definitely. Otherwise, I believe, in the long run, they’re good for you.
Proven dangerous – since when? Are you serious? From what I’ve read, they help the old grey cells, keep your mind supple.
They clog your lungs and contribute to heart disease? What are you on about? Me - taking up smoking all of a sudden. Ten or twenty fags a day! Are you crackers, Marlene? I don’t smoke. Whatever’s made you think I’ve taken up smoking? I don’t think so, not after the leathering I had from me Dad when I were twelve and he found me behind the greenhouse with Philip what’s-his-face from 2B. Not to mention what happened to poor Uncle John. I wouldn’t smoke if it were the last respite on earth.
No, you daft ha’peth, it’s Sudoku’s I’m talking about. Those flipping number puzzles you fill in. They’re all over the place - little black grids - a pageful a day in some newspapers. I’m wasting hours on them. I’m way behind with the ironing, the garden’s looking terrible and we’re eating too many frozen meals.
Once I get started, I can’t stop! And the satisfaction finishing one – it’s better than clock patience! A real treat. Our Carol gave me a Jumbo Book for Christmas. I do those when I’ve finished the ones in the paper. Marlene, I’m hooked.
Smoking indeed – as if.