Here Comes Treble: United?
...Many people, however, cannot completely cut their ties to people they once loved. There are important reasons for divorced couples to interact on a regular basis: usually young children to be cared for, shared, and sadly, quite often fought over. In many cases, while two people find it impossible to live with each other, they also find it impossible to live without each other. This creates a tangle of emotional and financial interdependence and upheaval that is only complicated by divorce...
Isabel Bradley tells of ties that still bind in an age when divorce and re-marriage are increasingly commonplace.
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As I stepped out of my car, I was surrounded by six wet noses; furry bodies vied with each other, threatening to knock me over. Our friend, Chris, whistled, and the dogs left to chase each other across the lawn – six Springer spaniels. “Sorry,” Chris explained, “Godzilla – my ex-wife – is away for the weekend, and I’ve got all of them with me instead of my usual three! We’ve got joint custody, you see…”
The concept of having to maintain a relationship with an ex-spouse is strange. After a brief first marriage, which gave me my beautiful daughter, my second husband adopted her, making further contact with her father unnecessary. Twenty years later, when I left my second husband, my children were adults, their relationships with him their own. I had no need or desire to communicate with him. Time may have healed this breach if he hadn’t died.
Many people, however, cannot completely cut their ties to people they once loved. There are important reasons for divorced couples to interact on a regular basis: usually young children to be cared for, shared, and sadly, quite often fought over. In many cases, while two people find it impossible to live with each other, they also find it impossible to live without each other. This creates a tangle of emotional and financial interdependence and upheaval that is only complicated by divorce.
One of the most bizarre afternoons I’ve experienced was at a pub called The Windsor Castle. Its windows overlook the long driveway to the Castle itself. We were there to meet Leon’s first wife; they’d been married for about two years during their early twenties. After their divorce, they communicated from time to time. She was late for our appointment: Leon paced the pavement while I sat inside sipping hot chocolate. Eventually, Leon opened the door and followed a tall gentleman into the pub – he was definitely no-one’s ex-wife. He was introduced to me as her second ex-husband!
Leon ordered coffee and the two men then joined me at our table. Eventually, the door burst open, and the ‘lady of the moment’ surged into the room, enveloped my husband in a great bear-hug, then, reluctant to put him down and still holding him in one arm, gathered her second ex-husband to her as well, and declared loudly to the staring patrons of The Windsor Castle, “Isn’t this amazing – a woman having a reunion with both of her ex-husbands at once!?” I gazed out of the window, reminded myself that I was the woman wearing the wedding ring and watched Her Majesty’s sheep cropping the brilliantly-green grass behind black railings across the road, while Her Majesty’s subjects walked their dogs up and down the pavement…
Leon, his second wife, her second husband and I are all perfectly comfortable in each others’ company. This is an ideal situation: we have a very strong bond – Leon’s second wife is the mother of his children, and they now also have a granddaughter. In a world where divorce and re-marriage is increasingly common, it is necessary to be able to enjoy the company of everyone in the extended family. After all, what grandchild wouldn’t be delighted to have three sets of doting grandparents!
Similarly, Chris and ‘Godzilla,’ re-shaped their relationship because of their dogs. In their divorce agreement, they were awarded joint custody of their five furry friends: the dogs spent one weekend with Chris, the next with Godzilla, their domicile in between depending on which of the two human beings was travelling and which at home. Two years ago, one of the dogs died: Chris and Godzilla shared their grief, then she started looking for a puppy. She saw an advert in the newspaper – two Springer spaniels were in desperate need of a loving home. Chris and his ex-wife drove the two-hour journey to the kennels, taking the older pair of their own dogs to help conduct the ‘interview’. All went well: the two black and white Springers were brought home to join the four brown-and-white mutts. Now, with six dogs to care for, Chris and Godzilla have agreed to split the dogs into two groups of three. When one travels, the other’s family grows to six.
People who cannot live together are often united in divorce by those they jointly love.
Until next time, “here comes Treble!”
By Isabel Bradley
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