Bonzer Words!: Advice For New Residents Of Retirement Villages
Shirley Henwood, who gives ample proof that age does not wither a keen sense of humour, gives advice to certain folk of senior years.
Shirley writes for Bonzer magazine. Please visit www.bonzer.org.au
New Residents will learn the ropes eventually; the usual time is about five years.
The Village prefers new Residents to be in their late eighties or nineties. It gives the Management a faster turnover and profit.
The Village residents are expected to be white. Please do not change colour.
Don't expect anything you ask for to happen immediately, or at all. Try writing numerous letters, this might or might not help.
Residents are expected to smile and wave to people they pass on foot or in cars as they go by. This gives the impression this is a friendly, caring place.
Don't be fooled by the flashy Reception areas, swimming pool, bowling green. These are window dressing only. Most people stay in their units and never venture out, unless they have to.
It is rumoured that one of the directors can “sell ice to Eskimos”.
The management reserves the right to change the rules, put up the tariff, do anything they please, as and when they please. They would be grateful for no complaints.
If you want to go on a bus trip, you are advised to take a sleeping bag and sleep by the notice board all night, as there are only 11 seats on the bus.
Wobbly people must use a walking stick.
Very wobbly people must use a walking frame.
People who can't walk are advised to get a mobility scooter.
Don't smile or laugh if your teeth are false and ill-fitting, or your own and discoloured, you look ghastly, and they could fall out.
Don't laugh if you are a smoker, you will probably break into a horrible hacking cough and annoy other people.
Blind people must be accompanied by a seeing person or “Seeing Eye” dog at all times.
People who dribble will be expected to leave the village immediately.
People with dementia are requested to talk only to other people with dementia. That way neither of you will become distressed, as your conversation will be incomprehensible, but you won't realise this.
If you are deaf, you are requested to wear a sign, as it is embarrassing for other people when you give inane replies to conversation, or totally ignore people who are speaking to you.
Residents are advised that there are some little cliques that you will never penetrate. Don't even try.
Visiting children are regarded as a nuisance, and will soon become aware of this, and stop coming.
If you die in your unit before managing to reach the panic button, your body may lie there for days before you are found. People are asked to arrange for some system such as a neighbour to check on them, or for a St John's Caring Caller.
If the village flag is flying at half-mast, you know what that means. Pinch yourself. If you felt that, it's not you. Perhaps next time.
Do not pick the roses, on pain of death. The beds belong to two residents who spend their own money on them, and physically look after them.
Do NOT feed the ducks. DO NOT FEED THE DUCKS. Do not FEED the DUCKS. This means you.
We hope that these words of advice will help you to settle happily into the Retirement Village until you die, or decide to leave.
Remember we are all in the same boat, so to speak. We blinked and found ourselves in an old person's body. NO ESCAPE.
© Shirley Henwood
