Open Writing

* The woman sat alone, in the centre of the theatre. Her auburn hair was beautifully styled. She was elegant in a dark blouse with a pink floral motif and was busy, examining her programme.

A middle-aged gentleman sidled past the empty chairs in her row, sat down next to her, and rubbed his shoulder against hers. Startled and angry, she turned towards him. “Oh!” he exclaimed as he looked at her face, “I’m so sorry – I thought you were my friend, I’m meeting her… I’ll – I’ll just move over here!” and he beat a hasty retreat to a seat a safe distance from the ruffled woman.

Then, approaching from the other aisle, a second man wearing a ginger toupee over his grey fringe of hair, sidled towards her. He leered as he leaned close, and was just about to plant a wet kiss on her cheek, when she turned towards him, fury on her face. “Oh – Oh, I’m so sorry – I thought you were – why, that’s – that’s my other friend, if you’ll just let me past, we’re both meeting her you know…” and he shuffled past, blushing furiously.

Two minutes later, their ‘friend’ joined them. From the back she and the lone woman were identical, to the motif of pink flowers on their blouses.

* At the opening of an art exhibition, a threesome enjoyed a lengthy conversation. They were an elderly man, his equally-elderly wife and a beautiful young lady with a cleavage to be envied – or drooled over, in the case of the elderly man. The three conversed for a time, then the gentleman held out his hand to Miss Cleavage, saying, “It’s a pleasure to have met you!” As Miss C walked away, Mrs Elderly, smiling maliciously, hauled out a handkerchief and mopped up a giant blob of mayonnaise that had wobbled on her husband’s top lip throughout the conversation.

* Later, at the same exhibition, a woman in a purple and green striped mini-dress and mustard tights carried a tiny Yorkshire terrier under one arm, almost as if it was a handbag. Her hair was a brittle swirl of aging ash-blonde, her heavily made-up face, dominated by a red and bulbous nose, was as full of wrinkles as a city map is of roads. Her dog daintily licked every snack on the laden table as she ambled past.

* During a marvellous concert given by a clarinettist, an old lady nodded off to the seductive music. One item faded into silence as the soloist walked off-stage into the wings. Into this reverend hush, Aging Sleeping Beauty woke to exclaim loudly – “Oh - He’s gone!” provoking a mass chuckle from the audience before they erupted with applause for the performer.

* A few weeks later, the same audience enjoyed yet another clarinet recital. Before the concert began, the clarinettist, Etienne, asked for a volunteer from the audience to turn pages for his accompanist. Among the regular audiences at these weekly concerts are many amateur musicians. One of them stood up and joined the performers on stage, with a smile a mile wide on her face. She did a marvellous job: audience and pianist appreciated her contribution. After playing the first item, Etienne signalled to an elderly lady in the audience who wore a heavy overcoat. She stood up and stalked along the row to meet him in the aisle. As he handed her his clarinet, she opened her coat and withdrew a slightly larger one, handed it to him, then tucked the one he’d been using inside her coat and marched back to her seat in triumph. It was winter, cool in the hall, and Etienne needed the more mellow ‘A’ clarinet for the second item on his programme. He’d asked the lady to keep it warm for him.

None of us is immune to making mistakes, doing strange things or raising a laugh in public. It is always entertaining noticing such moments, which often go largely unnoticed. Giving members of an audience a moment of ‘glory’ can make a performance memorable for everyone.

Until next time, ‘here comes Treble!’

By Isabel Bradley copyright reserved ©