Open Writing

One day a princess called Annabelle woke up and she saw a bird. She got up and went downstairs and saw a prince at the table. After a while they fell in love and the prince gave her a kiss. They got married and lived happily ever after.

The other day I received the delightful story above from my grand-daughter, aged nearly 7.

That set me thinking about what children believe, and believe in, nowadays, so different from when I was a child. No 7-year-old today believes in Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny or the Tooth Fairy, though they are wise enough to go along with the pretence, to keep their parents happy and lessen the risk of losing out on extra Christmas presents. Easter eggs or a dollar under the pillow.

However, it appears that at age 7 at least some children still believe in marriage and 'happy ever after'. Unfortunately the reality is that 50% of marriages now end in divorce, and presumably a similar ratio applies to couples living in a de facto relationship. At what age do they lose this faith?

I fear that children now have their childhood innocence cut short all too soon, with the facts of adult life thrust upon them continually from TV and books. If only we could protect them from those harsh realities for a little while longer. But there must come a time when just closing our eyes and hoping that bad things will go away is no longer possible, and we are not doing our children a favour by pretending that it is so.

As adults, we are constantly told how important it is to be aware of possible problems in advance, on the basis that prevention is better than cure. Knowledge and education are not only about getting better jobs. They are also supposed to put us in a position to be discerning about our choices and to avoid being taken advantage of. This applies to our health-having annual check-ups, pap-smears, eye examinations, tests for every possible disease and condition. We need to be aware of our diet from an early age, to prevent problems later in life. We are told we must talk to our children about drugs, about sex and contraception, and all sorts of other social issues, such as the media, advertising, money, racism, religion and politics. Surely then, we should tell them that 'happy ever after' is just a fairy-tale, which no-one believes in any more? We should advise them to protect themselves every step of the way, to draw up pre-nuptial agreements, in fact to assume that their marriage will be one of those that fail. (Don't take me literally-I'm being deliberately provocative).

My feeling is that we have a duty to warn young people that 'happy ever after' doesn't automatically follow marriage. It's just the beginning of the journey, not the end. There will be a lot of hard work to do before it's over. Perhaps the line should read 'they married and had many adventures together.' It's like the wedding service says—'for better, for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health'. There will be lots of all of those in everyone's lifetime and marriage is about having someone to share each of them with, not just the happiness. Maybe, if we're lucky, it will in fact last a lifetime, or maybe we'll move on and find someone new. We all love to watch a film that has a happy ending, but we know that all endings are not happy in life. Let's be honest with our children, not painting a picture of marriage that is too rosy or too black.

I guess it won't be for us to choose the time to disillusion them. All too soon the 7-year-old will be a 12-year-old and the stories she writes will be about single mothers and domestic violence. However, I suspect that even the most cynical teenager still has the remains of the dewy-eyed pre-schooler inside and is still looking for Mr. Right to come along.