Open Features: The Hairy Biker And The Bread Roll
When your thoughts turn to cooking, mind how you handle those bread rolls, Don Hickman cautions.
If Harry Potter fans so wish they can put on funny hats and wait until midnight to read this tale - but I wouldn't bother to do so if I were you.
I was once told that all good stories should have a beginning, a middle and an end. As far as this story goes, I am starting at the end, which goes as follows...
The fire chief said that the last time he had seen a fire this horrendous was when the Crystal Palace burnt down. Apparently he was a young fire fighter in South Norwood at the time.
The paramedic said I was very lucky, because now the National Health Service had become international. I would be treated in the nearest Accident and Emergency Centre at the Black Sea resort of Constanta. Moreover, the U.K. government would pay for my convalescence. However, the cost of the air ambulance was down to my insurance company, or me.
Artisans from Morocco may possibly rebuild our house in traditional style, but they are having difficulty with planning regulations and import restrictions are affecting their supplies of camel dung.
All this because of a part-baked bread roll!
Ever wondered about food? The stuff that we all eat in order to live. Most of us enjoy eating and a fair amount of our sustenance can be enhanced by the application of heat. Ever since prehistoric man [or was it a woman?] discovered fire its most common use has been in cooking. Cooking has become such an art that prizes and diplomas are awarded to those who do it best. The French I’m told decorate their champion Cordon Bleu Chefs with a Blue Riband. Fancy that. I always thought you had to be an Atlantic liner to get the Blue Riband.
At this point I must confess that cooking is not my thing. My gravy brings a lump to the throat and tears to the eyes. Now I do like a jug of rich brown gravy, so I thought I should do something to improve my techniques.
With a view to improving my culinary proficiency I consulted mother's old copy of Mrs Beeton. Unfortunately I read that the lady herself could not cook, so I next turned for help to Delia Smith. Then I found out that Delia is part owner of Norwich City football club, and I have no desire to cook canaries.
Next I had a brainwave. Perhaps I would find inspiration by watching a TV cookery programme. But which one? There seem to be hundreds of cookery programmes. Ready Steady, Cook...Big Cook, Little Cook...River Cottage...Rosemary and Thyme (this has to be about using herbs)...The Hairy Biker Cook Book....
Being an enthusiastic meat eater, I decided on Prime Cut.
Before the programme started I just had time to make a pot of tea and put some part-baked bread rolls into the microwave.
Prime Cut wasn't about cooking. It was a thriller. Lee Marvin, Gene Hackman. Very entertaining.
Next thing, my house was on fire.
As I was saying, the fire chief said the last time he saw a fire so horrendous...
And all because of a part-baked bread roll!
