American Pie: Living On Florida Time
...“Laid back” is a phrase that is often used to describe the life style in Florida, and suggests an easy-going, benevolent atmosphere that borders on soporific. The reality is quite different in my experience...
John Merchant says that anyone who has lived elsewhere in America should allow at least twice or even four times as long in Florida for any task that they ned to have performed.
Then there's Florida road rage...
John tells you the things guide books would never dream of telling you. For nore of his choice words about life in the United States please visit American Pie in the menu on this page.
I have recently returned to my home in Florida after four months in Connecticut, and have been reflecting on the marked differences between the two States: climate, flora and fauna, topography, their histories, and especially lifestyle. Connecticut is all hustle and bustle and “billy business,” while Florida, in large part, is reputedly more laid back and dedicated to providing enjoyment and easy living for the many retirees who live here all or part of the year.
“Laid back” is a phrase that is often used to describe the life style in Florida, and suggests an easy-going, benevolent atmosphere that borders on soporific. The reality is quite different in my experience. For starters, the traffic is frenetic, exacerbated by bad driving and the slow reactions of many elderly drivers. Road rage is endemic, and is directed by the native locals at the very people who generate their livelihood; retirees from other states.
A moment’s hesitation at an intersection is enough to prompt angry exchanges, aggressive horn-blowing and all of the expletive hand language known to man and woman; and these Floridians love their trucks. They take a regular pick-up truck, add four-foot diameter wheels that look as though they came off an earth mover, and then hang a rifle in their rear window just in case you don’t get the message.
After having unwittingly “offended” one of these gorillas, they are likely to drive in the adjacent lane for a quarter of a mile, as close to you as they can get without touching, yelling vitriolic curses that would make a stevedore’s hair stand on end. If you don’t already have a heart problem, a drive to the supermarket or the bank will get you one tout suit.
But traffic aside, a characteristic of Florida living that fascinates and often aggravates me is what I call “Florida time,” and what many people mean when they say “laid back.” If you have lived elsewhere in America, allow at least twice or even four times as long here for any task that you need to have performed. The more things you can do for yourself the better.
A typical transaction starts out with a telephone call to the vendor or service. “I’m sorry sir, Zeke deals with this and he’s out of the office at the moment. Yes sir, I’ll certainly get him to call you.” After 24 four hours with no response you call again. “Yes sir, Zeke is in the office today, but he’s on another line right now. Yes sir, he’ll definitely call you back. What is your name and telephone number?” At this point you know things aren’t going to go well.
This infuriating cycle can go on for days, until, in the end, you try another vendor. This is likely to produce the response that yes, they do the type of work you want done, but they aren’t taking any new orders at the moment! When you finally get to speak with someone who is willing to accept the several thousand dollar project you have in mind, a whole new dance of the hours is about to begin.
If your project requires someone to come and measure or inspect for an estimate, you will likely go through the same telephone game I just described. Once the estimate is forthcoming and a date is set for the work to commence, start taking the nitro glycerin pills and make sure your pacemaker batteries are up to snuff.
A contract I entered into to have some sliding glass doors installed took 4 months, innumerable telephone calls, several faxes and a threat to litigate before it was completed. I had placed the order with an old established, family business, thinking that this would improve the odds in favor of having a good experience - it didn’t. It transpired that the only person in this thirty-odd employee operation who could make a decision was the owner’s son. Any time I called he would either be out of the office, in a meeting, on another line, with a customer, on a job site, you name it. Apparently cell phones hadn’t entered the consciousness of these people yet.
Among the excuses I was offered when I did speak with him was that his glass door supplier does not deliver in this part of Florida! In a moment of weakness, it crossed my mind to ask why he would place an order with a supplier who didn’t deliver to his company’s location, but I had the presence of mind to let it pass.
On a recent October day, my wife called a local fish market and got a recorded message informing her that their summer hours were from Thursday to Saturday, 11.00am to 4.00pm! She called back on Thursday at noon and got the same message. Clearly, summer comes later in their part of town. When eventually she was able to speak with someone, they informed her that they didn’t have what she wanted, but would be happy to order it.
And so it goes.
