Open Writing

"Why, sir, a man grows better humoured as he grows older. He improves by experience. When young he thinks himself of great consequence, and every thing of importance. As he advances in life, he learns to think himself of no consequence, and little things of little importance; and so he becomes more patient, and better pleased. All good-humour and complaisance are acquired. Naturally a child seizes directly what it sees, and thinks of pleasing itself only. By degrees, it is taught to please others, and to prefer others; and that will ultimately produce the greatest happiness." - Samuel Johnson, 1773

I was perplexed, that's the only word to use. For several years in my mid-twenties I knew that there was something wrong with my view on life but didn't know what it was.

I was very ambitious and wanted to do something that would give me status in society. As a teenager I found that way of thinking exhilarating and I loved planning the great things I'd do. By the age of 24 or 25 I was starting to wonder whether it was a healthy attitude - it made me feel uneasy.

I often wrote about it on my blog because it was an issue I couldn't untangle. One French Canadian reader, trying to help, said that he thought people who chased status were insecure. I saw the logic of his words but that didn't stop me wanting to be somebody important.

One night I saw exactly what was wrong with my attitude. I was taking myself too seriously. I thought that everything I did was significant.

When making decisions about my future I felt enormous pressure to pick precisely the right path. It was as if I imagined I would let the universe down by making the wrong choice. I was living my life as if I was an essay and the end goal was an A+ from teacher.

That night I reminded myself that I am just one of the billions of people who make up humanity past and present. Their lives were/are as meaningful to them as mine is to me. The world does not revolve around me.

We are also all equally anonymous. Just think of all the famous men and women who lived several centuries ago and have now been forgotten. Then, of course, there were all the high status men and women of lost civilizations. Who remembers them now?

I realized that it was ridiculous to take myself so seriously when there are billions of other people just like me. We are all special or none of us is special. Either way, there is no way to stand out from the crowd or to be better than anybody else.

Naturally, the next morning I didn't wake up with a completely new outlook on life; it took time to move away from old habits of thought. These days, though, I enjoy myself a lot more because the pressure to be impressive has gone.

I still have ambitions but I focus on what interests me, and not on what will make other people think I'm clever. It's much nicer to live that way.

I was reminded of all this last week when reading Journal of a Tour to the Hebrides by James Boswell. Boswell recorded the Samuel Johnson quotation at the top of this article when the pair were visiting the western isles of Scotland in 1773.

I was struck by Johnson's words. Here was a man who died over 200 years ago describing exactly what had happened to me. It's reassuring to think that my life has followed such a common pattern that it was predicted by an 18th-century gentleman. We can't raise ourselves above our fellows but we can enjoy being like them.

I pasted the quotation into my e-mail signature so that I could share it with my friends. This afternoon I received an email from Eric Shackle, an Australian citizen reporter. He's 89 soon and has had plenty of opportunity to observe human behavior. He wrote:

"Thank you for the Sam Johnson quote. How very true!"

I've often wondered what senior citizens can tell us about how our attitudes change as we age. They've learned things that we younger people have yet to come to grips with.

With all his experience of life I was pleased to hear that Eric agreed with Samuel Johnson. It proved to me that my change of mind didn't just follow a common pattern, it followed a very common pattern.