Bonzer Words!: Life With Father
...I don't think there is any way you can disguise that you have children in the house. Apart from the 'tram-lines' on the once highly-polished coffee table, and the crayon drawings all over the walls, the water pouring under the bathroom door is a sure sign that the boys are playing boats..
Bernard Heller tells pf the "joys'' of bringing up children,
Bernard writes for Bonzer! magazine. Please visit www.bonzer.org.au
Like all new fathers, I was highly delighted when my wife told me she was pregnant. I'll never understand why I didn't know without having to be told. Nor do I understand why I was so surprised each time when the other three came along.
Our first baby was a girl. A rotund bundle of joy, who made my nights miserable from then on. I suppose too, that like most men, I was expecting a boy to kick off with and was a bit disappointed.
Actually, my misery only started about three weeks after we took 'baby' home. I was fast asleep when she started screaming like a banshee. As usual I waited for my wife to get up, but she just groaned and turned over Well! That was the beginning, from then on, my wife suddenly acquired the infuriating knack of being able to sleep through anything, while I found myself frenetically pacing the floor, feeding hungry mouths and changing diapers.
I'll never forget a later occasion, just after our second baby was born. My poor wife had been through a pretty gruelling time and was thoroughly worn out. I awoke in the wee hours to the wolverine-like howling of both babies screaming at the same time. With my wife unable to respond, yours truly went into panic mode. I remember just standing there in the passage, unable to move and wondering what to do next. Fortunately, before either my daughter or her tiny brother could strangle themselves with all the wailing, Paw came to his senses and their rescue!
I don't think there is any way you can disguise that you have children in the house. Apart from the 'tram-lines' on the once highly-polished coffee table, and the crayon drawings all over the walls, the water pouring under the bathroom door is a sure sign that the boys are playing boats. At the crayon stage, you could always tell who was responsible for what, because our little girl left her mark in the form of light tentative strokes. The deeply gouged and geometric patterns belonged to the older boy and the bold sweeping splashes of bright color came from the baby boy.
Trying to teach very young children a quite simple and ordinary code of behaviour in a largely adult world, can be, not only well nigh impossible, but hazardous too. For instance, when I insist that the baby clean his teeth in the morning, he invariably asks, why? It's only then that you realise just how involved you can get when explaining tooth-cleaning to a three year old. When you explain about germs and he asks 'what are germs' that's when you go from the purely mechanical aspects of oral hygiene to the elements of bacteriology.
In addition to oral hygiene we had also tried to teach the kids the fundamentals of religion. So -o-o the first time we took them to a seaside hotel and sat down in a packed dining-room, I was expecting a modicum of decorum. However, when the food arrived my little girl said, in a loud but plaintive voice,'Aren't we going to say Grace?' Naturally, everybody in the dining-room stopped what they were doing and waited for us to say grace. I was at the same time somewhat mortified by the publicity but pleased that we had given thanks.
When I get home after a hard day at the office, my wife usually has a long sad tale to tell about the energy and destructiveness of the boys. The little girl, of course is sweet and 'so easy to manage'. But I've learned not to be taken in by that. Little girls can be just as wearing as boys. Having a daughter is just like having another wife. Boys are boys, but girls are women from the time they are born.
They say that the older children get, the more trouble they are. Well after years of bitter experience with my lot, I've come to the conclusion that it's absolute folly to worry about later on. I face each day as it comes, because I know that I'm going to need all the stamina i can muster to cope with the present. Sometimes I think parenthood isn't a case of teaching your kids anything. What it does amount to though, is that the kids allow you to help them to learn what they can't find out for themselves—and for the rest, may the devil take the hindmost.
© Copyright Bernard Heller
