The Scrivener: It Must Be True
The junk mail catalogue offered sour worms, All Natural Pig Ears and Chocolate Worming Treatment. On another page there was mention of Liver Jerky Straps…
But things were not quite what they seemed to be at first glance. Brian Barratt advises a careful perusal of the small print.
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Some houses in this street have little signs on the letter-boxes in their front gardens, 'No Junk Mail'. I don't have that sign. I like junk mail. Well, some of it.
Estate agents, DIY hardware, kitchen appliances for the rich and lazy, ladies' unmentionables, and back-yard swimming pools go straight out for recycling. Books, CDs, DVDs, electronics, posh furniture, IKEA, and supermarkets are kept for a quiet few minutes of browsing. I can't afford the furniture, but I do like the pictures. The IKEA catalogue is so thick and strong that it lasts for a whole year as backing support for the sheet of paper with my morning crossword puzzle.
Something hit me in the eye during this morning's browse: Sour Worms. If I wish, I can buy a packet of them $1.99. But I don't wish. There are plenty of worms in the garden, as far as I know. The most unusual worms I nearly saw used to live in the muddy shores of a lake a few hundred kilometres to the south-east of Melbourne. They were several feet long, and children delighted in finding them and slowly extracting them from the mud. At least, they used to do that 30 years ago. I don't think they tested them for either sourness of sweetness.
If a shop announces that it is selling sour worms, then I must believe what I read in its junk mail catalogue. After all, people believe a lot of what they read. The other day, a friend was telling me that USA government agencies were responsible for the World Trade Centre disaster and slaughter. It must be true, because he read it on the Internet.
Then a teenager told me about President Bush and his friends dressing up in Ku Klux Klan regalia, offering a sacrifice, and doing something in front of a huge statue of an owl. It's on a website, so it must be true.
He also told me, in a serious and earnest manner, that the Freemasons infiltrated the Vatican so that they could set up the Mafia. The Vatican is also involved with two other nation-states, with which they share a three-starred flag, which is planning a New World Order. Or something like that. To be honest, I wasn't listening very carefully. I was waiting for him to tell me that the Earth is flat and the sky is a solid dome with little holes in it. That's what it says in the Bible, so it must be true.
The junk mail catalogue offering sour worms also lists All Natural Pig Ears and Chocolate Worming Treatment. On another page, they have Liver Jerky Straps. Good heavens! It's all here in print, so it must be true.
No, let's slow down and have a closer look. The Sour Worms are on the Confectionery page, alongside Jelly Babies and Licorice (I think they mean liquorice). The Chocolate Worming Treatment and Pig Ears are on the Pets pages, along with Meaty Bites and other items for dogs and cats. Whew! That's a relief.
It just goes to show, doesn't it? Before rushing out and promulgating daft ideas and conspiracy theories, we should apply our intelligence, study the whole context, and read the small print.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go and buy this item I noticed in the junk mail. It's described as an Antioxidant Lift. My friend tells me that it enables you to neutralise oxygen and thus resist both air pressure and gravity, and you float up to . . . Oops, sorry.
© Copyright Brian Barratt 2008
