Open Writing

I take my title from William of Wykeham (1324-1404), Bishop of Winchester and Chancellor of England, who founded Winchester College and New College, Oxford. It was his personal motto, and he bestowed it on those two redoubtable institutions. Though it is my personal view that good manners go a long way towards maintaining a civilized society, the strains and pressures of modern life call for a great deal more than that to keep us from downright savagery. How about restraint?

In a sermon to the Cutlers of Sheffield, the preacher stated that “It is by politeness, etiquette and charity that society is saved from falling into a heap of savagery. In those much-despised centuries known as the Middle Ages, there was a word for the whole culture of politeness, etiquette and charity, and that word was ‘chivalry’.” Well, that’s probably a bit overstated, and I’m not sure that medieval England was all that civilized anyway, but I agree with the preacher’s general thrust.

Gilbert Harding, that irascible BBC TV personality of the 1960’s, defined good manners as a way of behaving that does not intrude on the pleasure of others, and that about sums it up for me. My own schooling in manners came from my father, who was a stickler for etiquette. Mealtimes at our house involved a constant stream of reminders and castigations from him, to the point that the food almost became indigestible.

Elbows must be kept at one’s side at all times, and never, ever placed on the table. Making slurping sounds when drinking, eating with one’s mouth open, talking with food in one’s mouth, all were verboten. As were licking one’s knife, reaching round the back of the soup bowl to tilt it, picking up food in one’s fingers and blowing on hot drinks to cool them. Reaching out at arm’s length to take food from a serving plate was another no-no. On one occasion, having started to say something, I was commanded to “empty your mouth before speaking,” so I did, on my plate!

Though, at the time, my father’s remonstrations created a lot of tension at the table, and when I was older caused me to take my meals when he wasn’t around, I eventually came to value the standards he set. These were not confined to table manners either. I was also enjoined to let females and my elders go ahead of me, and to hold doors open for them; to give up my seat to a standing adult on a tram or bus, and to respect my elders and betters. When a woman approaches on a sidewalk, I should take the outside, or even step onto the road to allow her to pass.

Most of these strictures ultimately have been helpful in my life since childhood, except the respect part. I grew into adulthood with an unhealthy respect for people older than me, and for authority. Given my druthers I would always want to have the courage to question the “wisdom” of my elders and the righteousness and requirements of authority. Only late in life have I developed a more critical attitude towards my “betters.”

Now that good manners have all but disappeared, often I find myself offended by the conduct of those around me, even though I have lapsed a little myself. Finger food is a guilty pleasure, especially while resting my arm on the table. But I’m irritated when I hold a door open for someone, and two or three others pass through without a single “thank you.” Most often when I try to take the outside route when a woman approaches, the woman steps into the road!

So I find myself at odds with contemporary society’s lack of manners, but interestingly, I’m detecting small reversals, which is puzzling. The only explanation I can come up with is related to the increase in purchasing and other transactions carried out over the telephone. My wife pays many of our bills with a credit card over the telephone. As a matter of security, if she makes a purchase from a vendor’s web page, she will telephone it, rather than place the order on-line. If we have problems with the service of one of our providers, we register the complaint by phone also.

In almost all these cases, we are warned that “This call may be monitored to ensure the quality of service.” Clearly then, these companies must be training their employers how to be nice and polite and helpful to customers, and how to deal calmly with angry callers. Could it be, I wonder, that this training is percolating into everyday life? After all, there must be a few thousand customer-service people out there, many of whom have children. Hopefully the contagion will spread and the age of chivalry will return.

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