Open Writing

We used to play cards on the weekends. It was always poker and the stakes were only five cents, so there was very little money involved. I was a hopeless player as I gave myself away all the time, but some guys such as Brian, John, Ronnie and a few others were pretty good at it.

If the weather was good, we would take a table outside and sit in the sun and play cards for a few hours. I bought a good pack of cards in Windhoek, and I used to do the dealing as nobody trusted anyone else. I think the only reason they trusted me was because I wasn’t actually playing.

One day while everyone was having a break to have a drink or go to the toilet, I had about 10 minutes to spare so decided to doctor the cards. I made it so that when I dealt the cards, the first two players on my left would get a king, queen, jack, ten and a low card. This would then mean that if they asked for one card, I would then deal them an ace, making a royal flush.

Now the two players are Ronnie F_ and Brian L_, who just happen to be the most serious players of the lot.

So they all come back and we are ready to play. I deal and watch the expressions on their faces as they look at their cards. Ronnie and Brian asked for one card each, so I know that they are both going for the royal flush. I deal them each their cards, and I see their eyes gleam as they realise that they have a royal flush which is unbeatable in poker.

The betting starts quite slowly but steadily increases. One by one the other three players drop out until there’s only Brian and Ronnie left in the game. Brian is a real card shark and loves playing poker, while Ronnie is a pretty good player himself.

I manage to catch the other players’ eye and wink. They realise there’s something going on and sit back and watch. The stakes keep going up and up until they’ve put every cent they have into the pool.

“F---, Ronnie, you must have a pretty good hand,” Brian says, looking across at Ronnie.

“F---ing right. I’m not going to fold or see you,” Ronnie replies.

So they keep playing. They both borrow all the money they can get from the other players. By now there’s about R100 ($100) in the kitty – a tidy sum of money in those days.

They are both frowning as they look at their cards. ‘A royal flush is the highest hand isn’t it?’ they must be wondering. Reassured they keep playing.

By now I’m finding it hard not to burst out laughing and have to cough to hide my mirth. One time I have to duck under the table to hide myself. The other guys are grinning and watching this set-up. No-one wants to stop raising the stakes and no-one wants to see the other person’s hand. Brian takes off his watch and throws it in the kitty, whereupon Ronnie does the same. They scowl at each other.

“Your f---ing hand can’t be that good.”

“P--- off. I’m going to take every last cent off you.”

They’ve both run out of money and there’s no more money that can be borrowed. By now everyone is gathering to see what is going on – there must have been a dozen guys standing around the table. Both Ronnie and Brian have their cards face-down on the table and refuse to show what they have got.

“What have you got, Ronnie?”

“Show us your hand, Brian.”

“F--- off, you guys. This is a serious game of poker,” Brian says.

I’m turning red in the face and virtually dying trying to stop my laughter and also to tell the onlookers what is going on. These two have been going at it for nearly 20 minutes now. Some of the guys are perplexed as to why I’m behaving the way I do.

“What’s the matter, Nek?” someone asks.

With that I can’t keep my composure any more and with a loud snort burst out laughing. Ronnie and Brian look at me in surprise and then the penny finally drops.

“You bastard. I’m going to kill you.”

They both jump up and the table goes flying. It is the fastest I’ve ever moved in my life and I scamper away. They are seriously pissed off with me. Brian picks up a rock and hurls it at me and it narrowly misses my head. This is getting dangerous.

“Hey come on guys. It was only a joke,” I say soothingly.

“Come over here and I’ll show you a f---ing joke,” Ronnie replies.

They are not happy so I stay on the other side of the riverbed while they calm down.

After about 30 minutes I call out, “Hey guys. It’s hot here. Can I come back now and you promise not to kill me?”

Finally they relent and let me come back. As I help pick up all the scattered money and cards, I explain to the other guys what I had done. Some laugh and some just shake their heads.

“That is dangerous, Nek. You know how serious Brian takes his gambling.”

It takes Ronnie and Brian a long time to forgive me, but eventually they do and even see the funny side of it.

But they would never let me deal again, even though they kept using my cards. That’s gratitude for you.