Open Writing

At one station it was decided to construct an above-ground swimming pool, with a steel frame, canvas bottom and sides. The engineers, with their slide rules and applied mathematics, calculated carefully the stresses and strains. The Gang was invited to the grand opening. As the loudspeaker played the 'Colonel Bogey' march, the Station Superintendent climbed onto the diving board and stood there, trying to hold in his paunchy stomach and stick out his chest at the same time, valiantly but not too successfully due to the cruelty of the passing years.

He posed for a moment, this picture of perfect herculean manhood, this magnificent gift of God to the womenfolk, and then he hurled himself into the placid, enticingly cool water, to the cheers of the spectators, the applause of the admiring ladies and, unfortunately, the sound of several rather loud 'raspberries' from some of the welders, which blemished, somewhat, the dignity of the momentous occasion. His swim lasted about five seconds. Somewhere in their calculations, the engineers must have placed a decimal point in the wrong place. As he hit the water there was an explosive ripping noise; the canvas sides split and a tidal wave gushed out of the pool to be swallowed up by a grateful desert. Nothing remained of the swimming pool except the steel frame, tattered canvas and a very bewildered Station Superintendent, lying flat on his outsize stomach on the bottom of what was once a swimming pool, and spread-eagled helplessly, like a huge jellyfish stranded on the beach by a high tide.

The loudspeaker, paying scant attention to the predicament of the unfortunate Station Superintendent, continued to bellow out the 'Colonel Bogey' march. They must have heard the laughter in far away Tripoli.

Mike gave us all an enjoyable pantomimic performance when the Americans became due for their annual booster inoculations for typhoid. He had made up a mock syringe, a huge instrument, terminating in a long, vicious needle used for aspirating fluid from chests. Placing it in a big bowl of water and then covering the whole with a towel, Mike made bloodcurdling, bubbling, hissing noises with it and then turned to the Yanks, "Won't be long now, just getting it ready." This assurance in no way allayed their fears; the apprehensive Americans drew back until the wall prevented any further retreat.

"Ah? Good, it's boiling now. We're ready." With much ado, Mike took out his gigantic syringe and, holding it at the 'High Port', like a Guardsman about to lunge at a dummy in bayonet practice, he looked at them and said, cheerfully, "Right! Now, who's first?"

Not a soul moved; those behind pushed forward, while those in front pushed back. Eventually, after a lot of argument, Tiny, standing behind Red, the smallest, gave him a shove that sent him half way across the room. Bravely, but slowly, Red started to roll up his sleeve and appealed, "Hell! Dare, yer ain't a-goin' to shove that goddam thing in my arm, are yer?"

Mike looked at him with amazement. "In your arm, Red?" he queried, "In your arm? Holy Jaysus, Red, not in your arm at all, at all. That method is old hat. The latest approved practice recommended by the Royal College of Physicians, is to inject it up your backside. It gives you immunity far quicker and is far more effective."

"Up ma ass, Dare? Up ma ass? Hell, no!"

"Oh, come on, Red," Mike replied, "Look, you've all got to have it; it won't hurt much, only for a few minutes until a little bit of blood stops seeping out. It's not too bad, really. Come on, now, drop your pants down."

"Hell! Goddam it, Dare, ah caan't, ah caan't ." Slowly he undid his belt then, hesitatingly, started to lower his pants. The look on the faces of the other Americans was that of apprehension bordering on panic. Those of us watching could stand it no longer and burst out laughing. Yussef then pulled aside another towel to reveal the customary syringe and needles.

"Aw, gee! Dare, you goddam son-of-a- bitch!" Red exclaimed vehemently, hastily retrieving his pants from their half-mast position, while the others gave a simultaneous sigh of relief, then laughed heartily at Red as though they had understood the Doc's trick all the time.