Open Writing

Whether the sport got its name as the acronym for my title or not, its message certainly reflected the mores of the time when golf first became popular. The sentiment fit well with the idea of gentlemen only clubs, and cigars after dinner while the ladies withdrew to where else but the withdrawing room, later to be shortened to the drawing room. But the golfers of those days could never have imagined what an obsessive craze the game would eventually become.

In 2005, according to the Golf Digest, there were 32,000 golf courses around the world, half of them in the USA. The grand dame of them all, as any golfer knows, is St. Andrews in Scotland, which is appropriate because supposedly the game was invented there in the twelfth century. It was briefly banned in Scotland in 1457 because it was seen as a distraction from the other major sport of archery, a skill considered to be more important from a national defense point of view.

In the USA, whole communities have been developed around golf courses. Pinehurst in North Carolina is a prime example (See my column of October 15, 2008). The town was constructed from scratch by Scotsman, James Walker Tufts, starting in 1895. Today Pinehurst Golf Club and Resort boasts eight championship golf courses and has hosted the PGA Championship twice. Some such communities have paths only for golf carts, and the parking spots at restaurants and supermarkets are just the width of a cart.

In Florida, which is something of a golf Mecca due to its climate, golfing community clubs levy initiation fees anywhere from $100,000 to twice that. The annual dues add anywhere from $5,000 to $10,000, and then there are green fees every time you play. And the expense doesn’t end there. A set of clubs, special shoes, and a wardrobe of the latest in golfing garb can set you back as much as a the cost of a good vacation. In some Asia Pacific countries such as the Philippines and Japan, membership in a golf club can cost $1M or more.

In the late spring and early autumn around here, golf fever rises to a crescendo. It’s “reciprocity time,” and you can play every course that is a party to the arrangement. Golfers flock to Florida from all parts of the USA and Canada, and play the game from dawn to dusk. Hotels and rental accommodation are at a premium, and premium prices are charged.

I don’t play golf; not that I wouldn’t like to. I tried to play in my teens, but discovered that my deficient depth perception meant that I would never reach a standard where other players would seek me out as a partner, or as a competitor. But because I’m not anti-golf, I feel that I can look at the game critically and objectively. When I do, I have to wonder what all the fuss is about. It’s just a game after all. Isn’t it? Even from here I can hear the gasps at that statement from the aficionados.

But let’s get real; just because it’s a multi-billion dollar industry doesn’t mean you have to take it seriously. Not much. But what is it that drives people to aggravate themselves chasing a little white ball? I never met a golfer yet who didn’t complain about his game, and who wasn’t dealing with a persistent slice or a lack of distance in his/her drives. If you look at some of the computer-graphic analyses of golf swings, it’s a wonder anyone can hit the ball at all; you’d swear they had some terrible disability.

I’m not the only one to think of the game as peculiar. Mark Twain famously said, “Golf is a good walk spoiled.” William Wordsworth’s languid definition of the game was “A day spent in a round of strenuous idleness," whilst an anonymous philosopher observed "Life is a game but golf is serious."

As one might expect of such a convoluted pastime, it has spawned volumes of jokes. Here are just a couple of examples:

Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.

A schoolteacher was taking her first golfing lesson. "Is the word spelt p-u-t or p-u-t-t?'' she asked the instructor.

"P-u-t-t is correct,'' he replied. "Put means to place a thing where you want it. Putt merely means a vain attempt to do the same thing."

The nomenclature of golfing can also produce a giggle or two if you don’t happen to be a serious player. For some unknown reason the number of golf strokes from tee to hole related to par is expressed in avian terms: Condor is 4 under, Albatross (also called a double eagle) is 3 under, Eagle is 2 under, and Birdie 1 under. If you take one more stroke than par you’ve hit a Birdie. Shame on you!

Just so you don’t enjoy the game too much, if you work hard at it and practice a lot and become really good, they handicap you, so you have to give strokes away to the people you play with. Once you’ve become a handicapped player, everyone wants to play with you so that they can beat you. I don’t know which is worse, being a good player who everyone wants to beat, or a non-player like me who is an outcast.

# # #