Letter From America: Same Difference
...“You ignored the STOP sign,” said the avuncular patrolman, ready to give the driver a break.
“Oh, no, I didn’t, said the driver, “I slowed down.”...
Ronnie Bray tells of a linguistic difference of opinion that had a most persuasive outcome.
To read more of Ronnie's brilliant columns please click on http://www.openwriting.com/archives/letter_from_america/
For the Highway Patrolman sitting in his car policing a busy junction, the scene of many a nasty accident, it was just another day at the ‘office,’ but all that changed when he observed a car roll emerging from a side road, ignoring the ‘STOP’ sign, to join traffic on the major road, when what started as a simple disagreement about the meaning of words ended rather badly for the stubborn motorist.
The driver of the offending vehicle feigned ignorance when stopped by the patient officer. He was patient because he had two months to serve before retiring on full pension and as he did not want complaints to spoil his spotless record at this late stage he was deliberately taking things steadily, easily, and patiently. But even the most patient of mortals can be provoked by a thick-headed oaf who thinks he is right but isn’t.
“You ignored the STOP sign,” said the avuncular patrolman, ready to give the driver a break.
“Oh, no, I didn’t, said the driver, “I slowed down.”
“The sign doesn’t say slow down. It says STOP!”
“It’s the same thing,” said Mr Belligerent.
“Not at all,” said Patrolman Patient. “The two words don’t mean the same thing.”
“Can you prove it?” said the driver, to which the long-suffering law officer answered by slowly nodding ‘yes’ to the gape-mouthed vehicle operator.
The cynical lawbreaker - in marked contrast to the serenity of the unruffled officer - had shifted gear from his original display of beggarly buffoonery, then changed up from buffoonery to dismissive, from dismissive to obstinate, from obstinate to challenging, was about to shift into overdrive and leave the lawman behind him. That is what he thought he would do. But he was wrong.
“Huh,” rasped the sceptical man, “I know you can’t prove it!”
Lowering his voice, the Highway Patrolman leaned a little towards the open window and with a soft toned voice said, “I can prove it, sir, and I will prove it to you. Please get out of the car real quick for me, sir, and as soon as you have your proof you can be on your way.”
“This is too easy,” thought the ninny, “I know he can’t prove that ‘slow down’ and ‘stop’ mean different things, but I’ll do as he says, and when he admits he is a miserable failure I’ll be on my way.”
He exited the car, robustly provoking the thin blue line as he did, saying, “All right, officer, get on with your demonstrations and then get out of my hair. I have places to be and people to meet. So, where’s your proof? Let me see it?”
“Refresh my memory,” murmured the defender of travellers. “What is your position on ‘slow down,’ and ‘stop,’ and what is mine?”
“Well, I say that there is no real difference between ‘stop’ and ‘slow down’ in approaching a junction with a stop sign, and you say there is a difference. But you can’t prove it, remember?
“I can prove it sire, and I’m just about to begin to do just that.” Then, drawing his night stick he began to beat the miscreant with such vigour and enthusiasm that welts, bumps, and abrasions appeared on the reprobate’s head and arms, and the man seemed genuinely not to enjoy the verification process, if his yells, shouts, screams, and pleas for mercy were anything to go by.
After a full minute, the officer paused his ministrations and asked, “Now, sir, what would you like me to do; stop, or slow down?”
Copyright © 2009 – Ronnie Bray
ALL RIGHTS RESERVED
