Open Writing

Since writing “Overdrive” http://www.openwriting.com/archives/2009/08/overdrive_1.php#more I’ve had a few tentative queries from male readers asking if I think that this theory would work in reverse i.e., if a man drives a posh car does it attract women across? I’m sorry to say gentlemen but the definitive answer is ‘no.’ You are going to have to work a great deal harder than that.

The truth is that while women know what men who are already in their lives drive, the majority of females scarcely notice a passing or parked car. This acute observation of cars seems to be hardwired solely into the male psyche, from birth.

Until I had a son of my own I would largely refer to cars as “a blue one” or “a yellow one.” My wake up call came when my three year old, rev head asked, “Mummy, why does that Holden have a Ford exhaust?” Well gentlemen, I’m sure that you are all aware that, of course, a Holden has a perfectly circular exhaust outlet hole whilst a Ford has a more oval, slightly “squashed” aperture. I presume that this is universal knowledge amongst males, much like knowing the difference between a soccer ball and a rugby ball – another innate fact that seems to be linked to testosterone.

When I first met my husband he drove an antiquated LBJ - that stands for “Little Brown Job.” It was a cold night so I asked him if he would please switch the heater on. He obliged and the next thing I knew I had a whirlwind of dead leaves around me as they were vacuumed up from outside and into the vehicle. Despite this I still married him - eventually. I remember now what kind of car it was. He called it his, “Damn Bit-So-Shiti.” You know, the one with three red diamonds on the emblem.

What exactly is it then that attracts a woman to a man? Well, I can only speak for myself here. If a man lights up a cigarette then I find it a complete turn off no matter how cute I thought his butt looked in those tailored pants a minute ago. I am told that kissing a smoker is like kissing an ashtray. Having never tried either I am unqualified to comment. Even if someone later referred to the smoker’s Aston Martin Vanquish in the car park I could not be budged on this.

With that out of the way, the next most important matter is grooming, not so much what you look like but rather what you smell like. Personally I like the smell of Brut Deodorant and no, they are not yet one of my sponsors. Women have much more sensitive olfactory senses than men. Even if a man steps out of a Lamborghini Countach he will get nowhere if he is unshaven and greets a woman with a wave of body odour and halitosis. If he has grubby toenails that resemble talons or a bed of blackheads in his ears a woman is guaranteed to notice and make a hasty retreat.

In my single days the first thing that I would notice about a man was that he had noticed me. If every time that you turn around you catch him watching you and he greets you with a sweet, adoring smile then he is well on his way to winning you over. A distinction must of course be made here between a smile and a lecherous grin which tends to have the opposite effect.

The value of complimenting a lady is not to be underestimated and she will savour the memory for a long time to come. Having said this, a young man once said that he liked the smell of my perfume and I had to try not to giggle as the only “perfume” that I was wearing was my father’s deodorant which I had sprayed hastily as I rushed out of the shower. The ability to make a woman laugh is perhaps a man’s greatest asset. Even if you resemble E.T. or Dobby, if your wit makes the ladies chuckle then you considerably increase your chances of getting lucky. Remember that corny or Dad Jokes do not qualify as humour.

So in conclusion gentlemen, stop polishing your cars, climb into the shower, clean your teeth, practice your smile in the mirror and remember that there is no greater aphrodisiac to a woman than having someone pay her attention and listening to what she has to say.