Open Writing

In the humdrum and stress of daily life fathers could be forgiven for feeling that, having initially been a sperm donor for a few glorious minutes, they are now relegated to being nothing more than a human ATM. If this is how you perceive things then I implore you to read on, to see beyond this dismal scenario and to realise that all fathers have a vital role to play in their children’s lives.

The way in which a father interacts with his daughter sets the standards by which she assesses all men whom she comes across in later life. If a girl’s father treats her with respect and creates in her a good sense of self esteem then she will be less vulnerable to the overtures of inappropriate or undesirable men.

My own father is a busy and well respected man but I knew when I was little that I could approach him at any time, curl up on his lap if I so desired and fall asleep listening to the deep resonance of his voice. I had no doubt that he would keep me safe and, to this day, I remain a special priority in his life. He taught me not to cower when confronted by pompous men and that just because someone says something loudly and arrogantly does not necessarily mean that they are correct. He also taught me to cherish my femininity whilst at the same time not being silly and giggly. I had pigtails and thick glasses, hardly Marilyn Munroe, but I knew that I was beautiful because my daddy told me so. If I twirled in front of him to show off a new dress which he’d bought for me he’d say, “Well yes, the dress is pretty but it is the model that makes all the difference.”

Fathers and sons, I notice, seem to have a more complicated, competitive relationship. For the first six years of a boy’s life he is usually more attached to his mother and this in itself can be frustrating for a man. I remember my own husband coming home with a bunch of flowers one day only to find that our toddler son had already placed a jam jar full of dandelions and a handmade card on the mantelpiece for me. “Shucks,” my husband sighed, rolling his eyes, “I’ve gone and bred my own competition.”

Boys need their dads to horse around with them, to get physical and to teach them to take risks but not all dads know when to stop. Many dads play to win at all costs and in so doing they are actually losing – losing their child’s respect and enthusiasm for playing. Nobody likes to lose all the time, no matter what their age. Some dads are hampered by a sense of heavy duty, patriarchal power and insist on being treated with respect simply because they are the eldest male in the home. However, respect is a reciprocal feeling which must be earned and cannot be demanded. Arbitrarily pulling rank is not good parenting.

If a father works such long hours that he is mostly absent from a child’s life then he will not be well received when he attempts to instil discipline. Discipline, to be effective, needs to be counterweighted by quality fun time and love. After the age of six most boys start to emulate their fathers and they hanker after their attention and approval. I have met men of forty who still desperately seek love and validation from their fathers. It tugged at my heart strings once when I overheard a boy say to his mother, “If you and Dad ever get divorced then I want to live with you. Dad can have me for an hour on Sundays because that is when he plays with me.”

So dads, whether your children are into basketball or ballet, are six or sixty, spend time with them. Listen to their opinions, doubts and fears without mocking them because father does not always know best. Your children need to know in this turbulent world that you, at least, are on their side.

Providing for the family’s material needs, whilst essential and commendable, is no good if you have emotionally abandoned your children.