American Pie: Name This Decade
…Among some of the other packaging gotchers that get under my skin are the seductive dotted lines you see on plastic and cardboard containers. After struggling to open one, I see the dotted lines, a small arrow pointing to them, and the words “Tear here.” What a joke! After my fingers fail to make any impression, I risk my very expensive dental work, but even my teeth don’t gain me entrance…
This, and a host of other irritants, have led John Merchant to label the first ten years of the 21st Century the Gotcher Decade.
This past decade will, no doubt, be labeled with a whole variety of names, depending on the experiences of the labeler. Time Magazine has already bestowed “The Decade From Hell” on it, listing a number of disasters both human and natural to justify their choice. But for me it was the “gotcher” decade, and the older I get, the more irritating gotchers become.
My biggest bone of contention is modern packaging. Some of it is actually very clever, though I have to believe that the designers must have graduated from Origami College. The retailer from whom I buy most of my computers and supplies has a very generous return policy. If you return the goods within thirty days they will credit your account in full, no questions asked.
The gotcher is the small print on the receipt that says the product must be returned in its original packing with all the manuals etc. If you take, for example, a computer printer, the box is so ingenious you practically have to destroy it to remove the product. All the things that go with the printer like the manual, the ink cartridges, the power supply and the promotional materials, are nested neatly in the convolutions of the folded cardboard interior.
Five minutes after I unpack the box I have no idea where everything came from, and I can try twenty ways to repack it without coming close. Those little pieces of black plastic covered wire that keep the power cords etc. from unraveling have by then disappeared without trace.
Among some of the other packaging gotchers that get under my skin are the seductive dotted lines you see on plastic and cardboard containers. After struggling to open one, I see the dotted lines, a small arrow pointing to them, and the words “Tear here.” What a joke! After my fingers fail to make any impression, I risk my very expensive dental work, but even my teeth don’t gain me entrance.
The goods I’m so desperately trying to get to rest smugly inside, secure from consumption. After wrestling with this problem for what seems years, I finally beat the system – admittedly I am a slow learner. Now, when I see the dotted lines, I immediately reach for my trusty kitchen scissors that are capable of cutting through sheet metal if necessary!
The dotted lines rank in my book with the “Re-sealable bag” that some frozen food products come in. Not once have I been able to get that stupid strip of plastic beading back in the groove.
The Internet is littered with gotchers. It’s to the point now that I question almost anything that offers or promises me something. My state of paranoia may be preventing me from taking advantage of all sorts of benefits, but I doubt it. At least once a week I get an email telling me that my friend, so and so, wants me to join them on LinkedIn or Twitter or Facebook. The names are genuine, but most of them are from my distant past and were never really my friends anyway.
The first time it happened I was intrigued and flattered, until I discovered the “friend” in question knew nothing about it. Needless to say, I have not responded to any other names from the past. So if you are genuinely trying to contact me, why not just send me a personal email.
Another Internet gotcher that crops up frequently is the web page that offers to find anyone you seek, living or dead – free. I guess all of us have someone we’d like to know more about, so the ploy taps into this desire to connect the dots. Well yes, the web page will do as promised and find your lost loved ones for free, but if you really want to know addresses and telephone numbers you’d better have your credit card handy.
There’s a type of TV gotcher that drives me crazy. It’s the one where someone is pitching a tool or a kitchen implement. If you believe the spiel, this gizmo is a real wonder. I saw one the other day for an electric hand saw with contra rotating blades. The device rips through wood, sheet metal, wallboard, you name it.
A nice feature is that the metal shavings, sawdust etc. don’t spew all over the place, but just fall at your feet. But if this device and it’s counterparts is so wonderful, why aren’t they on the retailer’s shelves? You can only get them by calling the number on the screen. What drives me crazy is the little voice in my head that whispers “it’s a gotcher,” but I’ll never know because I don’t have the guts to call the number.
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http://home.comcast.net/~jwmerchant/site/
