Useful And Fantastic: Sir Lancelot Encounters A Woman Driver
Poor Sir Lancelot. Hit by two cars…
Val Yule tells a modern tale.
And when Sir Lancelot was come to the hostelry, you can be certain he had a good time, and so daily he would go to a park nearby the hotel and there he would lie down and see the fountains spring and bubble, and sometimes he slept there by the lake.
So at that time there was a lady lived in the suburb and she was a great driver, and daily she used to drive out; and always in her ancient Morris; and no men went ever with her, but always women, and they were drivers and could well kill a hen, but only on the road; and they daily bore knitting, and puncture outfits and shopping bags, and had many goodly poodles, both on the car-seats and trailing behind.
So it happened that this lady, the driver, had sent her children on bicycles to go to the town, and they took their flight by heath and woods. And ever this lady and some of her lady friends followed after in the Morris, the children to keep in sight, until they came to some ice-cream shop. And so it happened that the said bikes were past the park, where Sir Lancelot was sleeping and slumbering. And so the children, when they came to the park, for heat went to the grass, and there they lay a great while; for the Morris came fast after, and made a cast about, for it had lost the perfect adjustment of the steering.
Right so there came the lady driver, which knew by the noise that the children were in the park, and there she drove stiffly, and saw the children. And anon she changed gears, and would have turned, and overshot the road, and by misfortune, the car smote Sir Lancelot into the fountain. And when Sir Lancelot felt himself so hurt, he hurtled up woodly, and saw the vehicle which had smitten him. And when he saw the driver , he said thus, “Lady or woman, whatever you are, in an evil time drove thou a car, the devil made thee a woman driver.”
“Now I beg your pardon, I’m sure, my man,” said the lady, “I am a gentlewoman that used to go driving on this road, and the lord knows I didn’t see you, but here are my dratted children on the grass by the well, and I thought I’d just have turned, but my hand swerved.”
“Alas,” said Sir Lancelot, ”You will hear from my solicitors. Now have you mischieved me.” And so the lady departed.
Now the lady was in truth Morgan le Faye, and she was pretty wroth. And she went off to her coven, so that by her workings it was the next mischaunce that befel to Sir Lancelot.
For Sir Lancelot had returned to the hostelry, there to heal him of his grievous wound, and pretty soon he was springing and bubbling so that he was ousted out. And he said without thinking, “I will lie again by the fountain and sleep off this hurt in my back and this noise in my head.”
Now at that time there was also a man lived in the suburb and he too was a great driver, and daily he too used to drive out, and always in his Vintage Volvo; and no women went with him that had any sense, but only mates, and they were drivers and could well kill kangaroos, but only on the road; and they daily bare mobile phones and stubbies and golfbags, and had many Rottweilers and Dobermen, both in the back and racing around.
So it happened that this man, this driver, came past the park, looking for the Lake, to tear around it, whereby Sir Lancelot was sleeping it off. And the Volvo came fast, and made many casts about for it had lost its speedometer in a strange manner. And anon the gentleman driver saw Sir Lancelot, and would have missed him, but for the speed that was misjudged by forty k.p.h, and by mischance that only Morgan le Faye could have foreseen, the Volvo smote Sir Lancelot into the depths of the lake.
When Sir Lancelot felt himself so transported, he hurtled up, clothed with pondweed and white samite, and saw the vehicle which had smitten him that was not another Morris. And when he saw the driver was a man, he said thus, “Man or gentleman, whatever you are, in an evil time drove thou a car, the devil made thee a man driver.”
Then the man assaulted Sir Lancelot, and so Morgan Le Faye had her revenge.