American Pie: Wherefore Art Thou Romeo, Or Juliet?
John Merchant says that when it comes to finding Mr. or Ms. Right it seems that the old familiar ways have been abandoned in favor of more technological methods – Facebook, MySpace etc., and online match-making web sites such as eHarmony.com.
“In my view,'' he adds "these methods are fraught with pitfalls, both calculated and otherwise.’’
The New York Sunday Times runs a couple of regular columns in which contributors write about their personal, life experiences. One column is titled “Modern Love,” the other “Lives.” They both attract some well-written stories, and many of the contributors are published, or about to be published authors. I have to confess that I have failed to get any of my submissions accepted.
Some of the stories are remarkable, and tell of experiences that very few of the rest of us encounter. Others are about relatively mundane matters of contemporary life, but are interesting nonetheless. What strikes me most forcibly about the majority of the tales is that they chronicle the difficulties that the twenty and thirty something people have with finding and keeping a spouse or companion in this day and age.
The stories would indicate this to be particularly the case with American women, rather than men, although not exclusively. Perhaps it is that women are more willing to talk about their failed relationships. The women, by and large, have had difficulty choosing partners wisely, and the men frequently have been dumped one or more times. The problem is true of heterosexuals, homosexuals and bi-sexuals, all of whom have contributed writings.
Having been married three times and divorced twice, you might conclude that I’m not the one to pass judgment. But in each of my own experiences, I knew ahead of time what I was getting into. The mistake I made twice was in thinking that I could change what I thought were my prospective wife’s incompatible characteristics. I learned belatedly that people can change, but only if they want to.
My problem in trying to understand why women so often choose badly is that I’m very intuitive, and apparently most of them are not. I have even experienced bad vibes from something as impersonal as an email, or a phone call from someone I had never met.
My reactions are immediate and strong, and though I have sometimes changed my mind, I have never been wrong. One of my daughters has had a succession of unfortunate relationships that I knew from the start were headed for disaster.
But getting back to finding Mr. or Ms. Right, it seems that the old familiar ways have been abandoned in favor of more technological methods – Facebook, MySpace etc., and online match-making web sites such as eHarmony.com. In my view these methods are fraught with pitfalls, both calculated and otherwise.
eHarmony.com claims a high level of perfect matching based on psychological principles, if you believe their advertising, but I suspect they are vulnerable to misrepresentation on the part of their clients, just like the other matchmakers. Not that all those seeking a partner deliberately falsify their credentials, though plenty do; it’s just that people often have a higher opinion of themselves than is warranted. There also is an old saying that half the truth is often a great lie.
In my own view, seekers of mates should rely more on their own instincts, in combination with the opinions of friends and family. If your friends and family don’t like your intended, the chances are that in time you won’t either. Of course, making your own assessment, even with help, takes time and a measured approach.
And there’s the rub. Nowadays it’s unusual for single people in the US to be part of any group for very long after they complete their education. Some belong to a church congregation, a temple or a club, but a greater number do not. If they have a lasting job, their employer generally will discourage or even forbid romantic alliances, but at least the workplace is an opportunity to observe behavior, form an opinion and test it over time.
Since moving in with someone doesn’t carry the social disapproval it once did, one might imagine such an arrangement would provide an opportunity to find out if he or she is “the one.” However, the stories featured in “The Times” would indicate otherwise. Couples living together experienced all the trials and stresses of a marriage and often found it just as traumatic to split up as to be divorced.
Of course, if you fall desperately in love, good sense flies out the window, and all bets are off. That is when the council of friends and family is indispensable. Never was there a more true saying than “love is blind.”
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Do take this opportunity to read more of John’s enjoyable columns by clicking on
http://www.openwriting.com/cgi-bin/mt-search.cgi?IncludeBlogs=1&search=john+merchant
Also visit John's Web site
http://home.comcast.net/~jwmerchant/site/
