Open Writing

'You have been found guilty,' said the judge, 'and it only remains for me to pass - '

'Wait a minute,' I said. 'Guilty of what?'

'Be quiet,' he snapped. 'How dare you interrupt? Anyway, do not trouble me with trivia. Now, where was I?'

'If I may intercede on a point of honour, your law,' said my useless barrister.

'Surely you mean a point of law, your honour?' said the judge.

'No, no, I am not your honour,' said my useless barrister, 'are you.'

'What?' exclaimed the judge. 'Oh, never mind. Now where was I?'

'Look,' I said, 'this is getting to be like something out of Alice.'

'Out of Alice Springs? You're not Australian, are you?' asked the judge.

'Of course not. Do I look Australian? I simply want to be told of what I have been found guilty.'

'Of what you have been found guilty,' murmured the judge.

'It is a fair honour, your question,' said my useless barrister. (I swear I'll thrash the bugger if I ever get the chance.)

'Now, settle down,' said the judge. This is most unseemly. It is an affront to due process.'

'What is?' I asked.

'Is what?' asked my useless barrister.

'I think,' said the judge, taking his wig off, 'that you deserve to hang. But as hanging is no longer an option - '

'Well, baldy,' I cut in, 'if this is your due process you can keep it.'

The judge permitted himself a smile. 'Oh,' he said, 'I jolly well intend to' - and he put his wig back on, slightly askew.

**

To read more of Richard's fast fiction please click on http://www.openwriting.com/archives/fast_fiction/