Letter From America: IKEA Syndrome
If you are one of the millions who have shopped at an IKEA story you will associate with every word in Ronnie Bray's brilliantly funny article.
If I ever find out who changed all the arrows around in IKEA, I'll - I'll - I'll spit! I spent three weeks in there one afternoon following the arrows trying to find the way out!
Now when I go to IKEA I take a weeks supply of emergency rations, a pup tent, a pup, three native bearers, maps [edible], a water well augur, pepper spray, a Primus stove, eggs and bacon, sausages, mushrooms, Heinz [UK] baked beans, black pudding, a dozen over-sized teacakes, dripping laced with lots of the delicious savoury stuff, a satellite 'phone, a US-UK Phrase Book [try asking for a 'spanner' in the US!], and the missing factor from Mormon picnics and barbecues, a box of matches! I am contemplating setting up a business, 'SAFARI-IKEA" or 'SAFARI-SO-GOODI' or some such. Suggestions welcomed.
IKEA ought to have dedicated lanes for electric trike's pulling trailers and thought-controlled robotic arms that will load what you want onto your trailer but not until it's advanced technics have ascertained that all the parts are there in the required amounts as a minimum. If, by some unlikely malfunction of the robotic 'mind' it selects more than the number of flat packs you required, then the 'OLD SWEET or SPICE LAW' comes into play.
This ancient but not forgotten law is best illustrated by the person dipping into your bag of boiled sweets in the great unwrapped era exclaiming, "Oooo! I got two [or insert your favourite number] stuck together. Aren't I lucky?"
Thus, if you thought-wished for one double-depth floor-to-ceiling 47' long redwood wardrobe with satin wood lined drawers, built in concert grand piano crystal chandeliers, an en-suite Granny Flat at the back, plus a portal giving direct access to Narnia, and the obliging robot loads ten, due to an internal software error, then you get to keep them all but pay only for the one you wanted.
Supporters of this Legislation are invited to contribute to my Presidential Election Campaign. Contributions of any size are welcome, but you should be warned that we do not have machinery capable of handling anything other than $1,000.00 or its Sterling equivalent, and multiples thereof. It is designed that way so that even I can understand it. So far, so good! I promise - hand on wallet - that when elected I will take care of everything you want taking care of including finding a cure for as yet incurable ‘IKEA Syndrome’ and its sub-syndrome ‘KEA-Fever.’
In fine I leave you with some of my campaign Mottoes, so you will know where from I am coming.
Campaign Motto No. One: "That's not what I said!"
Campaign Motto No. Two: "That's not what I meant!"
Campaign Motto No. Three: "I'll get back to you on that!"
Campaign Motto No. Four: "Your cheque's in the mail!"
Campaign Motto No. Five: "There is no Campaign Motto No. Five!"
Campaign Motto No. Six: "Four more years!"
Campaign Motto No. Seven: "I am NOT a crook!"
Campaign Motto No. Eight: "The Devil made me do it!"
Campaign Motto No. Nine: "See Motto Number Five!"
Campaign Motto No. Ten: "Watch my lips; no more taxes!"
(C) The Presidential Election Campaign: www.BRAY.4.USA.012.ORG
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