Open Writing

Though I know of no statistics to support my premise, anecdotally it seems that in the US, more married couples live apart than was the case in the last century. Aside from military personnel, there are many reasons for this.

Of course, it has always been the case that merchant sailors were part time spouses, often for only six months out of twelve. For some this works well, and they wouldn’t have it any other way. The husband of a couple I knew worked aboard a civilian ship that re-supplied submarines on extended patrols in the Pacific. He spent three months ashore twice a year. When I knew them they had been happily married for thirty years!

A shortage of jobs at any time also increases the willingness of people to undertake a temporary, commuter marriage, where one party returns to the marital home for weekends, once a month, or at even longer intervals.

Other reasons for commuter marriages stem from the need of one spouse to follow a career path that involves periodic moves. The child-care giver opts to remain near to family and friends, particularly if the children are at a critical time in their schooling.

Living in Florida, I am particularly exposed to another group of part time spouses. These are couples of which one party, usually the husband, is within a few years of retirement. If the real estate market is favorable, they will decide to buy a second home while prices are low, in anticipation of eventually moving to Florida permanently as a couple.

My wife and I were such a couple for three years. I had taken up freelance writing at home, and she was still a few years from retirement when an opportunity arose to purchase a condo in Florida for vacation use. Initially I took up residence there for perhaps two months each winter and she joined me when she could.

My stays gradually became longer, until eventually we decided to sell our New York home. My wife still had a year to go until retirement, so we became the classic commuter-marriage couple until we could set up a permanent home in Florida.

One might think that such a living arrangement would place unwanted strains on a marriage, particularly in our case, since we are a perhaps unusually companionable pair. I certainly had some reservations, and for her part, my wife generously put her preferences aside. But in fact there were compensations that made it less onerous than it might have been for both of us.

My wife moved in with a friend and thereby reduced her 90 minute, daily one-way commute to 10 minutes! She and her friend were faculty members at the same university and so had plenty of common ground. The airport from which she flew to Florida also was only a 10 minute cab ride away, compared with an almost two hour drive from our old home.

For me, recuperating from knee replacement surgery was easier in a warm climate, with no ice to negotiate; and the long, uninterrupted periods alone were helpful to my writing. I was also able to spend time with male friends; something I had not done for years. So though it wasn’t ideal living for people like us, we were able to make the best of it.

I think advanced age makes it easier to be philosophical about separation, and I don’t really know why. Had I been younger I could not have tolerated it. Almost all the people we know here in Florida who are living apart for extended periods are women. From the outside they appear to fair well, and I conclude this is because they have good support groups and are sociable.

Women appear to be better at making a life alone, temporarily or permanently, because men, though they have their group activities like golf, are basically competitive rather that supportive. There was a time when socializing was difficult for a woman alone. Hosts and hostesses preferred even numbers around the dinner table, and lone women were regarded with suspicion because they were seen as predatory by other women.

Whilst this latter aspect probably hasn’t changed over time, it now is much more acceptable for women to be invited as single guests. My wife and I have a number of women friends who are either temporarily alone or are unmarried. We enjoy their company, and they in turn enjoy us, we believe. Perhaps the key to this arrangement working well is that we are secure in our marriage.

There are pitfalls in the commuter marriage relationship of course. Mother Nature is predisposed to bring members of the opposite sex together, and doesn’t much care whether they are married or single. Therefore, being attached, but alone, does call for the exercise of some self-discipline, which is not always easy if you are lonely.

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