Open Writing

When men fall deeply in love with a woman I have heard them say that they develop a strong desire to protect her. Well chaps, this is all very sweet, noble and well intentioned but have you ever stopped to think that perhaps it is not protection that we need but, rather, a bit of assistance?

Anyhow, this protection business doesn’t last long. As soon as the relationship develops beyond the first flush of love the man quickly realises that the woman is pretty good at taking care of herself and he tends to fade into the background and let her fight her own battles. Sometimes feminine wiles get one a great deal further in a disagreement than when male egos clash head on with each other.

Physical protection, in our house, has always been my responsibility anyway. This is because my husband is a profoundly deep sleeper so, if there is a loud noise in the night, it is me who has to get up to investigate. Mind you, he may be an extreme case as he once slept through a murder which took place in the apartment block where he lived as a young bachelor. This was in Johannesburg, South Africa which has one of the highest murder rates of any city in the world, so the murder itself was not remarkable. What my husband’s friends did talk about for years afterwards was how he had remained sound asleep and snored through, not only the gun shots next door, but the wailing of the police and ambulance sirens as well. When I now challenge him as to why he leaves me to face potential nocturnal dangers on my own he replies, “You are so short sighted without your glasses that if something goes bump in the night it is invariably you.”

No, true love is not demonstrated by the wish to protect but, rather, it is shown as an action - an emotion in motion, so to speak. Nothing says to a woman “I love you” more than when her man helps her with a chore, takes a responsibility off her hands for a while or fixes something for her which makes her life easier. This is true at all stages of a relationship but is never more vital than when a woman has a newborn baby.

In these modern times many couples live as an isolated nuclear family, often far from the helping hands of mothers, aunties and sisters, so the onus to assist the new mother falls completely into the husband’s lap. Unfortunately society usually does not prepare young men for this transition and they often fall hopelessly short of what is required of them.

My friend, Linda, summed it up when she said, “I was completely and utterly his woman until the baby came along. When the baby arrived he was not prepared to compromise his own lifestyle or inconvenience himself in any way to help me. He broke all my expectations of him and my anger slowly turned to sadness as I realised where I stood - alone, yet permanently saddled with the baby. I was coping with the birth of our child and the partial death of our marriage simultaneously. When I overheard his buddies say, “Mate, don’t let her put the kid on the bottle because then you’ll have to get up and help with night shifts,” I felt totally isolated and abandoned.”

“Yeah,” remembered Deidre, “Mike used to come home and find me still in my pyjamas, with a rag splattered in baby vomit over my shoulder and he’d presume that I’d been lounging around all day with nothing better to do. It never occurred to him that I had been so busy attending to the baby’s needs that I hadn’t had time to shower or change since getting up at 4.am.”

“And the government wonders why the birthrate is falling. No amount of ‘Baby Bonus’ payment will ever entice me to go through any of that again,” said Susan with firm resolve. She, like me, had not so much as had a pregnant pause between children as chosen to come to a complete full stop after one.

I gave a wry smile. “Do you remember, Deidre, when you had just had your first child by cesarean section and you had mastitis and cystitis at the same time? You were in so much pain, running a high fever and at your lowest point ever. It was then that you shouted at Mike, “I need someone intuitive, sensitive and helpful right now. I don’t need a husband. I need a WIFE!”

“Yes,” she chuckled, grateful that those days were behind her. “He was in dire danger of being hung, drawn and vasectomised on the spot. It was a case of role reversal. That night it was Mike who needed protecting from me.