Bonzer Words!: Muffin Man
...And so began one of the most unpleasant spells he had experienced in his 35 years in the organisation. Being hounded by Amanda was bad enough, but now being hounded by Mr Wonderful too was more than he could suffer—and working all day without a break!...
But Peregriune the hard-working Muffin Man is about to wreak a most satisfying revenge on the two people who are making his life miserable, as Les Yemm's tale reveals.
' . . . and so, we will be implementing the new Australian Workplace Agreements immediately . . . '
Peregrine Nightingale listened morosely while the new manager gave his no-nonsense presentation on the erosion of their working conditions. Not in the front row where the eager beavers sat, nor at the back where he might be singled out as a cynic and trouble-maker, but quietly, in the amorphous middle.
' . . . from today, there will be no coffee breaks, just the normal lunch break . . . any questions?'
He raised his hand, 'I normally work through lunch break because that is when I get most of my phone calls.'
'There will be no other breaks—if you cannot accept this then please report to my office after this session so that we can discuss your future.'
'Tough-luck, Muffin Man!' said Amanda the manager of the Bookings Department—The Bitch from Bookings as she was known to all. The new suit was in his early thirties, slim, aggressive and a sharp dresser. Peregrine looked on in hidden disgust as the Bitch from Bookings salivated.
And so began one of the most unpleasant spells he had experienced in his 35 years in the organisation. Being hounded by Amanda was bad enough, but now being hounded by Mr Wonderful too was more than he could suffer—and working all day without a break!
Peregrine had three weaknesses apart from his family—Wagner, poetry and his daily chocolate chip muffin. No one knew about the Wagner and he was careful to keep this secret. The poetry had been a constant source of taunting from The Bitch ever since he had inadvertently left a book on his desk.
'So, what poem were you dreaming of when you made that little mistake, Muffin Man?', 'Get a move on Muffin Man, I want a memo, not a poem!' And on and on it went.
As time passed, Peregrine noticed a very interesting thing. The staff would go to lunch, he would be snowed by phone calls, and a few times a week, Mr Wonderful would slip into the Secure Room, for which only he and The Bitch had the key. A few moments later, The B from B would also slip into the room and, much later, she would come out looking flushed. Mr Wonderful always followed extra nonchalantly a short time after.
Isn't life interesting! thought Peregrine Nightingale.
One day, during a lunch break, he went to retrieve a file from Amanda's desk and was still standing there when he heard an email coming in. He glanced at her screen and saw the title, 'Secure Room Audit Process'. Then a very wicked idea formed in the mind of Peregrine Nightingale, the perfect company servant! He opened the email and read that the local director would be showing the new national security director around in two days time, sometime between 12-30 and 1-30 pm. The Bitch from Bookings and Mr Wonderful were asked to delay their lunch break until after the visit. She was to pass the message on.
Then Peregrine Nightingale did another very wicked thing—he deleted the email and also erased it from the 'Deleted' folder, muttering a silent prayer to a God he did not believe in as he returned to his desk.
On the day, Mr Wonderful and The Bitch slipped into the room. Ten minutes later, in came the visitors. 'Seen Amanda, Perry?' asked Mr Williams.
'Not for a while,' answered Peregrine.
Williams and the visitor frowned and used Williams' key to enter the Secure Room. There followed loud, muffled voices, the emergence of two very dishevelled people, and shortly, the arrival of Security men to march them with their personal effects to the door.
At 3:30 that afternoon, Peregrine went to the downstairs cafeteria and took his favourite seat. As he sipped his tea and sank his teeth into his first chocolate chip muffin for eight weeks, his teeth popped one of the partly melted chocolate chips and a look of sheer bliss crossed his face as his mouth filled with warm, dark, chocolate.
'Nice to see you again Perry,' said his favourite waitress. 'Did the bastards take a day off?'
'Something like that,' he replied.
In his mind, Jessye Norman was soaring effortlessly over the orchestra in Wagner's Liebestod as he finished his tea and muffin in perfect peace.
As he stood to leave, he glanced down, and with a beatific smile, Peregrine Nightingale brushed a crumb from his tie.
© Les Yemm
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Les writes for Bonzer! magazine. Please visit www.bonzer.org.au
