Bonzer Words!: Discovering Time
...No longer having to structure my time, I began to relax. Become spontaneous. I started to learn how to give myself to time, and just let things happen. Of course, in the beginning, my old self-exacting demons disapproved of such indulgence. You're not productive, they taunted. You're wasting your time...
Lytrice Adams tells of the delicious privileges which come with retirement.
It is now ten years since I retired from my job. Ten years. It seems a long time. So long, in fact, that sometimes I have to make an effort to remind myself that I once led a different life, had a whole other set of friends and social connections, and priorities that no longer apply.
I was a dedicated professional. Successful too. In fact, when my clients found out that I was going to retire, they reacted with much concern. 'What are you going to do with your time?' they worried. 'You would be bored,' they pronounced with conviction. 'Maybe you should work part-time. Or open up your own consulting business.'
I did neither. But to keep my protestant work ethic guilt-free, I did a lot of volunteering, sitting on various agency boards and committees. After a while though, the fatigue of dealing with difficult social issues set in, and I realized that there was a conspiracy afoot to lure me into doing my old job for free. I gradually severed my connections.
No longer having to structure my time, I began to relax. Become spontaneous. I started to learn how to give myself to time, and just let things happen. Of course, in the beginning, my old self-exacting demons disapproved of such indulgence. You're not productive, they taunted. You're wasting your time.
But I slowly realized that time was much bigger than I was. I cannot waste it. It just passes by.
It is a wonderful privilege to be able to engage my senses in an activity, without setting strict time limits on myself. I can respond to my moods. A short walk in the park sometimes blossom into a healing session with the warmth of the sun re-energizing my tired muscles. Watching kids and animals at play liberate the imprisoned child in me. I can always find something new and intriguing, simply because I have the time to look.
But I am also conscious that I only have the now, and there's still a lot of living to catch up on. This calls for meaningful involvement. I am more selective about my activities, choosing to do things that I enjoy, rather than those that I do either from habit or duty. I am not getting anti-social or anything like that, but I now reserve the right to spend my time as I choose.
A whole new way of being has opened up for me. I am learning how to be patient. To let things be. Time is no longer the enemy with which I have to do battle, or the bank account that I have to manage efficiently. It is simply an opportunity for me to live and experience the world around me. And that's an extremely liberating concept. I can read all those books that I never had time for, I can travel to places that I dreamed about, and I do not get overly anxious when I have one of those sleepless nights. I just stay in bed as long as I need to, having made my peace with the alarm clock. What bliss!
I have also come to realize that there is a difference between being and doing. I have spent a great deal of my time 'doing' things. Accomplishing tasks. Getting there. But the pressures of squeezing every moment of the day, organizing and strategizing, left little room for listening to the beat of my own heart. Even though I still find it difficult to let myself be guided by impulse, I now know the value of 'slowing down' and becoming aware of my environment. Of myself. Of my responses.
I believe there is a wisdom in the cyclical seasons of life. We rush around in our youth at a dizzying pace, and we work towards achievement and success in our adulthood. But in the fall and winter of our lives, we get a chance to discover the gift of time. And to understand what life is all about.
© Lytrice Adams
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Lytrice writes for Bonzer! magazine. Please visit www,bonzer.org.au
