Open Features: VERTICALLY CHALLENGED MARXIST FOILS ATTACKER !
The Daily Spittle's special correspondent Jason Argonus (Jean Cowgill) brings us today's hot exclusive story.
‘The Daily Spittle’ learned that Ruth Red (aged sixteen) a.k.a. Little Red Riding Hood is recovering in ward eight of the Furness General Hospital. She sustained severe bruising when visiting her grandmother (Elsie Ruth aged seventy eight). According to Inspector I M Stooped, Cumbria Constabulary, the injuries are not life threatening. A hospital spokesman said she was stable.
Jack Lupis, aged 33, of no fixed abode is in custody helping the police with their enquiries. No-one could confirm whether or not Mr Lupis is on a paedophile register. His neighbours on the Walpole Estate describe him as a bit of a recluse. He does not have a regular job and is often seen prowling about late at night. ‘Up to no good’ said a bystander who wished to remain anonymous.
Police have conducted a finger tip search of the area around Mrs Ruth’s cottage. According to a police source certain items have been sent for forensic evaluation.
Dressed as a nurse I obtained an exclusive interview with Ruth. She shrieked when she saw me. I had tried to calm her down but Little Red remained in a state of shock.
I taped her interview. ‘I thought granny seemed strange,’ she confided, ‘deep voice, long pointed ears and awful teeth. Honestly she should get to the dentist. Mum is frightened gran will let herself go so I usually go and see her at least once a week (see editorial on our caring youngsters) but we’ve been in Spain for a fortnight. It was great there I copped off. Don’t print that. Any road there I stood by the couch. Couldn’t see her properly ‘cause the curtains were drawn. I’d just unpacked her groceries and was giving her the rest of her pension money. I was knocked off my feet. Suddenly this monster grabbed me….and well….all hell broke loose. It’s a good job I did martial arts.’
At first Red refused to answer my question about Marxism. She looked blank and after a while started to talk about some American brothers. A red herring I presume. It turns out her nickname is not political in origin but started when she joined a girl gang in Barrow.
