Skidmore's Island: Kick A Gift Horse In The Mouth Week
...I pass over Nudie Ice Cubes with a wellbred shudder,
offering the same response to Zany Nudey Party Glasses in the
shape of a human body and made - in the coy language of the
catalogue - "each with the details that make the
difference. Four and a half inches high."...
Ian Skidmore was far short of being filled with desire when he surveyed the offerings in a gift catalogue.
Do visit Ian's Web site http://skidmoresisland.blogspot.com/
I am worried what I am going to find in my Christmas stocking
this year. I have discovered a gift catalogue the Head
Ferret has hidden in the polystyrene Iron Maiden she keeps to
enforce family discipline.
I was particularly unnerved by the Whirley Dickey Bird
Feeder, the perch of which whirls around when an unsuspecting
bird lands on it. I cannot see that getting the Good
Nest Builder seal of approval.
The dog Taz will, I know, oppose the introduction of a key
ring which responds when you whistle, on the grounds that
if key rings are going to behave like that, it won't be long
before similar responses are expected from long dogs.
I can also do without the "Snap On Vinyl Cover Up" which
catches falling hair; a bisque ceramic Wise Old Owl which
turns pink and hoots in fine weather. I am also a bit worried
what the Law will make of a device for syphoning
petrol, which I have no doubt is sold with a gift-wrapped stiff
sentence. It is said to be useful for bailing boats. I should
have thought bailing out anyone who possessed one would be more
useful.
I pass over Nudie Ice Cubes with a wellbred shudder,
offering the same response to Zany Nudey Party Glasses in the
shape of a human body and made - in the coy language of the
catalogue - "each with the details that make the
difference. Four and a half inches high."
It may be that I have misunderstood the copy writer.
But if, as I assume, the difference is only four
and a half inches high, I cannot for the life of me see what
they are making all the fuss about.
I quarrel with the claim that no breakfast table
can be complete without an Egg Topper. "22 fine blades sever
the top of a boiled egg, lifting it off neatly leaving no
shell chips."
My breakfast table is quite complete without an instrument
more appropriate to the Place Vendome during the French
Revolution. Given the the evil temper of most family members at
breakfast time, the introduction of 22 blades would be an
invitation for a replay of that event.
Talking of families, their festive presence means we have no
use for the bottle drainer about which the catalogue speaks
so enthusiastically. For the same reason, we won't need the
foldaway drink rack which prevents spills in the car. I have
relatives who are deeply opposed to drinking and driving in
case they spill anything when they change gear.
