Open Writing

May 2004

'Do you still want to leave teaching?'

My heart brakes sharply then bunny hops like a learner driver back into rhythm. I've always loved teaching but am gradually finding it harder and harder to summon the energy to keep abreast of the incessant changes, the patience for the children or the passion I once knew. Wary that these new feelings weren't from God but just an unhealthy temptation brought on by Howard's remarkable success, I've been fighting hard to get my fervour back. Despite all the praise and support given and the clear signs that I'm doing a good and effective job, I still feel increasingly unhappy.

Various opportunities have presented themselves. Headship's an obvious next step, the English advisor has encouraged me to apply for an advisor's post and the teacher training college has offered me a job release to lecture to student teachers. I'm flattered and uplifted by these offers but none of them feel right. For the last few years, I've prayed for guidance, discussed and debated the issues with Howard and other close friends.

I'm not sure what else I could do. An avid reader, I would love to be an author. But writing has always seemed like something only special, rare
and gifted people could hope to do, something wholly unattainable for me. I don't know any authors. I enjoy writing but don't feel particularly creative. I've had a letter read out on Terry Wogan's radio programme and an article published in the Gideon's magazine, not much to base a new career on. A tutor, working with me on a Master's module in education, declared that 'at least you can write'. I've tried a correspondence course but found I just couldn't give it the time and attention it needed. Perhaps, with no pressure to earn a living or raise children...

'Do you really mean it?' I'm at the peak of a roller coaster gripping hold of the brake, do I dare? I search Howard's face. I can see he's in the seat right next to me and I love him for believing in me.

'I'll ring my union to see what I have to do.'

I'm told my letter of resignation has to be handed in by tomorrow if I want to go at the end of the school year in two months time. I sit down and start typing.

Tears sting at the back of my eyes, when I hand my letter to Judith. I think of all the difficulties we've faced together, all that we've achieved. We're friends as well as trusted colleagues. She has always been so kind and supportive. I know she'll find it as hard to let me go as I'm finding it to leave.

Judith wraps me in her arms. She knows me well enough not to be truly surprised.

'It'll be all right.' There are tears in her smile.

The next day Howard, David and I set off on a walking holiday in northern Spain. We've never been on this type of organised trip before and it's fantastic. There are seventeen people, from all over the world and different walks of life, and we all mould together easily. The only decision I have to make is what to have in my sandwich. Every day's walking is different, full of splendour and interest. The accommodation, food and company are all superb. The tensions of the previous months begin to melt away. I feel wonderful.

As we walk and talk, friendships are formed. One couple, who are consultants for eco-tourism and write travel books, help me to believe that becoming a writer could be achievable, a musician, involved in publishing
Christian music, tells me to let him know when I've written something and he'll see if he can help me get published.

Back home, the old insecurities swamp me. What have I done? Driving to church in the morning, I'm suddenly flooded with the certainty that this is what God wants me to do. I can almost feel Him laughing at me as the light dawns. Does He always have to hit me with a sledgehammer before I realise he's answering my prayers? He's providing the opportunities and the encouragement to go for the unattainable, He's almost assured me of guaranteed success, all I have to do is get writing and trust in Him.

The service at church is about the Holy Spirit. I'm restless with frustration. It's all theory and no real life examples. As I sit thinking about all the experiences I've had of the Spirit in my life and how the personal stories of others have always been so uplifting to me, I begin to become excited. This title arrives fully formed in my head. I've never started with a title before.

As more people become aware of my plans to leave teaching and try my hand at writing, the encouragement floods in. The theme at the house group meeting is exactly related to what I'm experiencing and I feel prompted to share what's happening in my life, requesting prayer support. More and more the responses are that I should write my story. On the first day of the summer holidays, I sit down and the words begin to come.