Open Features: Sick Joke
Derek McQueen wrote this queasy tale as an excercise in using only single syllable words.
The car, an old Ford, shot up the M1 as if we were on a race track.
I sat in the back and tried to stay calm but the speed went up and up. I felt sick as a dog. Then I was.
It went on the floor and the seats but the worst thing was, it went on the big dog as well. Hugs is the name of the enormous Chow squashed in the front seat. The green bile stuck to its thick white fur. And the smell – oh how that car smelled. Sick as a dog is one thing, but sick on a dog. That has to be a sick joke.
Fred at the wheel went mad. “You vile sod,’ he screamed. “It’s all on my best jeans and the damn gear stick.”
The car speed went up once more.
“I’m ill Fred,” I yelled. “Slow down for God’s sake.”
Fred shook his head and stuck it out of the car to get fresh air. He could hear the wow wow wow wow of a cop car. They had seen us, I was sure of it.
“Pull in Fred please,” I wailed. “God help us all.”
The vile stuff oozed down my legs as I turned to look back at car lights on the M1. Fred pushed on at the Fords top speed and swerved to the slow lane to just miss a huge truck.
‘We were done for,’ I thought. ‘Killed on the M1 with a sick soaked Chow. What an end.’ Then Fred stops the car. The cops are on us.
Fred thinks he can bribe the cop. He must be thick as a plank.
“Let me out of here,” I yelled.
“How does two grand sound,” Fred says to the cop.
Is he nuts or what?
“What do you mean?’ Jim said. Jim’s the cop, by the way.
“The dog I like,” Jim the cop says. “But two grand – are you mad?”
‘Not for the damn dog,” Fred says. “To let us go. How much?”
He shoves the wad of notes at the cop. Jim shoves it back and drags Fred from the car all in one move.
The cop goes mad. “This car stinks, the dog stinks,” – this whole damn mess stinks. Who’s that nutter in the back? He stinks as well.”
I think he means me.
“Have you all bathed in puke or what?” Jim yells.
Jim gets out his phone and calls Ted in HQ.
“Ted, this is Jim Banks M1 Notts. Send a dog van Ted. I have a sick Chow here and it might bite.”
Fred got six months and Hugs had to be put down. He bit off the cops thumb.