Letter From The Other Side: Best Conversed With Upwind
...The wildlife is all around us and certainly not trained to think it should stay well away from tourists. So when a brown snake about a metre and half long sidled past as they strolled along a bush track, they refused to venture out again unless they were shielded in a vehicle. The snake Helen assures me was going about its business entirely oblivious to the panicking couple. It had probably already enjoyed a meal and was simply trying find a warm spot in which it could take its afternoon nap...
Helen found a way of getting her own back on her super-critical guests from a foreign city, as Cynthia (Liz Thompson) reveals in a deliciosly funny letter to her friend Del.
Dear Del,
I think if this time last year anyone had expressed the opinion that they were tired of constant rain, someone would have grabbed them in a headlock and dragged them to a suitable place to be lynched. These aggressive actions would have perhaps attracted a cheering crowd to watch the unfortunate person’s discomfort.
I would have been front and centre at the spectacle with my knitting to maintain the best traditions of bygone days.
But I think today after yet more flooding, anyone could feel free to voice the words loudly while standing among the biggest crowd without being throttled by any irate farmer.
The tourists, with the exception of a few wandering elderly citizens and grey nomads, have mostly left the village and we can once again find parking where we wish and walk the aisles of the shops without fear of being trampled by children or their parents, oblivious to where their feet are taking them as they stroll along peering up at the hills. Even the one-way street signs are once again being observed by the majority of the motorists. The gentleman who lives at the end of our road and drives a large Mercedes and is on a restricted license is the one exception, as are a few cyclists who think they can ignore road signs and knock over elderly ladies at will.
At one stage during the summer we were inundated by three thousand Lycra clad cyclists who spread themselves out over the countryside in swarms, clogging the roads and weaving into the motorists' lanes without a care in the world as they sweated up the mountain roads in pursuit of being first to the top. There must have been a very good prize to encourage them to make the struggle and lose so many litres of fluid.
Many of us entertained visitors to our homes and for most this was an added pleasure which living in such a picturesque place brings.
To one of our friends it became anything but a delightful experience. While overseas recently Helen met a couple from Europe who expressed the urge to take part in an adventure holiday. She is of a generous and hospitable nature and feels now, when she has had time to reflect, was most probably also under the influence of a very good red wine as she issued them an open invitation to come and stay with her.
She discovered to her chagrin that meeting and getting along with people in a hotel, is a very different experience to having them under one’s roof.
The complaints began soon after their arrival. How untidy our bushland looked, how noisy the birds were, how the shops didn’t stock the right sort of food. When faced with the reality of going into the wilder areas the idea of visiting such remote places where there were few people and little emergency help appeared to frighten the life out of them. It was patently obvious to Helen any idea of an adventure trip could be completely thrown out of the ideas pool.
She could understand the culture shock people who had spent their lives in a large city would find when confronted with our great outdoors. Many find them greater and less inviting in reality than on film.
The wildlife is all around us and certainly not trained to think it should stay well away from tourists. So when a brown snake about a metre and half long sidled past as they strolled along a bush track, they refused to venture out again unless they were shielded in a vehicle. The snake Helen assures me was going about its business entirely oblivious to the panicking couple. It had probably already enjoyed a meal and was simply trying find a warm spot in which it could take its afternoon nap.
Her temper began to really unravel when the complaints became more personal and hurtful. Her house is an older home, very large and rambling with not the most up-to-date plumbing, but it is adequate. She lives a few kilometres out of town and so she needs her own tank water, which is not on a high pressure. Therefore the shower didn’t meet with their standards. The neighbours came to visit and being ordinary not very well educated folk but possessing hearts of marshmallow, tried to welcome Helen’s guests to their home for a traditional barbeque. The offer was met with disdain and the conversation gradually petered out.
One morning while driving her now unwelcome guests to a local deer farm which boasts magnificent gardens, views and a top class restaurant, they passed an elderly gentleman walking on the rough gravel. He is an old ‘Bushy’ and lives in a shack in the hills. Quite illegally of course because it is Crown land, but no-one worries about that. His plumbing for all anyone knows is non-existent and he is best conversed with upwind and from a distance. He shares his shack with his dogs and they probably share their fleas with him. But he is known to be a dear old gentleman who has lived a very hard life.
It had been a particularly trying few days for Helen. The heat had been stifling and the effort to cook appetizing meals while trying to hold her temper had given her a dreadful headache and raging indigestion.
A brilliant idea occurred to her as he passed the old chap. She pulled up quickly, throwing her shocked backseat passengers forward in their seat belts, executed a quick three point turn and drove back to the old fellow still steadily trudging along.
“Hello Arthur’ she called, ‘Would you like a lift this morning, I see you are limping a little?’
A lift is a rare treat for Arthur because most people know it takes a good week, and half a can of air freshener and insect repellent to rid the inside of ones car with the evidence of his presence.
His cracked lips spread out under about five days of bristle on his leathery face. The few yellow teeth he has left went up and down with pleasure.
“Would I Helen? You’re an angel, you bet I would!” He opened the back door, smiled happily at the appalled couple sitting in the rear, ‘Well, move over.’ he grinned at them, breathing heavily in his haste to make himself comfortable and filling the car with his special aroma.
They moved over, pressing against one another as they tried to avoid making any actual physical contact with Arthur. Helen surmised they had not entertained anyone like him in their vehicle at home.
The following day after much frantic repacking of their immaculate clothing into their immaculate and expensive suitcases they made very insincere farewells to her and she expressed the most insincere disappointment at the thought of them leaving.
After telling me her tales she giggled girlishly, “ I must take Arthur some scones next week, and wrap up some bones for his dogs.’
It’s soggy, but fun living in the country especially during the times we make our own simple fun.
I don’t suppose Helen has done very much for the tourist trade but I don’t think that will weigh on her conscience very much.
The mosquitoes are about in great swarms following the rain and humidity so keep yourself safe from the nasty things they may spit into your bloodstream Del,
I am smothered in citronella oil and lavender so I am very much
Your flower child friend,
Cynthia.
**
