American Pie: Give Us A Sign
...Back in the days when the traffic signs painted on roads were hand done, all manner of typos appeared, to the delight of local newspaper photographers. Having done some sign painting myself, I know how easily mistakes can occur, especially when you can’t stand back to look at your work. Two favorites that have stuck with me are “YIEDL” at a merge point and “WOSL” at an intersection...
Ace columnnist John Merchant offers us another delicious read.
For more of his columns please click on
http://www.openwriting.com/cgi-bin/mt-search.cgi?IncludeBlogs=1&search=john+merchant
And do visit his Web site
http://home.comcast.net/~jwmerchant/site/
Judeo/Christian historical writings are sprinkled with the phrase, “Give us a sign” or often, “Give me a sign.” Here is an excerpt from an obscure exchange between Rabbi Jose b. Kisma and his disciples regarding the coming of the son of David. “They said to him, 'Master, give us a sign.' He protested, 'Did ye not assure me that ye would not demand a sign?' They replied, 'Even so, [we desire one].' He said to them. 'If so, let the waters of the grotto of Paneas turn into blood;' and they turned into blood.”
Well, that’s quite an impressive sign. Since those early days we have been given less sanguinary signs aplenty, though not related to anything as momentous as the son of David’s coming. Our modern lives are governed by signs - KEEP OFF THE GRASS, NO TRESPASSING, BEWARE OF THE DOG, STOP etc.
Like most writers, I’m fascinated by words and the use of them. So much so that I have to discipline myself not to use $10 words when 50cent ones will do, even though I love the sound and the shape of some of the higher priced versions. My interest in words leads me to be a compulsive editor, and a reader of signs wherever I see them; aberrations in signage haunt me forever.
It is many years now since I was a regular at the Research Center for Rheumatic Diseases in Westchester, New York. A sign on the waiting room wall, engraved in Formica, read “CAUTION MIRCOWAVES.” I drew it to the receptionist’s attention, whose response made it clear she saw nothing unusual in the spelling. The second time I attended the Center I expected to see the sign corrected, but for the next five years it was still there to taunt me.
Back in the days when the traffic signs painted on roads were hand done, all manner of typos appeared, to the delight of local newspaper photographers. Having done some sign painting myself, I know how easily mistakes can occur, especially when you can’t stand back to look at your work. Two favorites that have stuck with me are “YIEDL” at a merge point and “WOSL” at an intersection.
On a machine I use every day at my gym there is a sign that must have been created by someone who either had a sense of humor, or a serious learning disability. To use the machine, one must mount two steps to a platform about three feet above the floor. Amongst many warnings on the machine designed to stave off liability suits for injury, one cautions about dismounting. It states “Only dismount from the top step. Do not dismount at ground level.”
It’s driving me crazy. I have visions of a very literal person forever perched on the top step, with emergency medical crews trying to talk him or her down.
Another warning sign that appears on US car rear view mirrors is “Objects in the mirror appear closer than they are.” The question in my mind is what can I possibly do about it if the mirror’s image isn’t accurate?
Having lived for several years in the UK and the US, I am struck by the differences that the two cultures impose on signage. For example, on roads close to a US airport will be signs that read “CAUTION LOW FLYING AIRCRAFT!” and in the UK “BEWARE LOW FLYING AIRCRAFT.” The US sign seems somehow to be a command to warn the aircraft of one’s presence, whilst the UK equivalent suggest that with caution one can avoid contact with an errant flying machine.
There is a hoary old joke about a group of American tourists in an English hotel lobby, vainly struggling to raise an elevator door from the bottom, as instructed by the “LIFT” sign beside the door. Similarly, in England one sees road signs warning of a “ROUNDABOUT AHEAD,” leaving the American driver to wonder what a carousel might be doing in the middle of the road.
In the US, the bewildered UK motorist will encounter “CIRCLE,” and be led to conjecture if it isn’t a command left over from the Wild West days to form a ring of cars in defense against an Indian attack. Yet another American version of the sign tells of a ROTARY AHEAD, which has nothing at all to do with the Club.
When a highway is divided in the US, the central divider is labeled MEDIAN STRIP, whereas in the UK the sign announces CENTRAL RESERVATION. This comes as a surprise to the American motorist who believes he has left the Native American lands behind.
By and large I think there are far too many signs these days. The only one I like is “FREE,” as in FREE BEER TOMORROW! displayed on an English pub wall in Maltby. The same pub used to have a sign announcing TOUR BUSSES WELCOME. Give us a kiss luv.
# # #
