The Scrivener: Yes, I Have Not
Brian Barratt does not relish being forced to listen to one half of a shouted conversation.
For more of Brian’s memorable columns please click on
http://www.openwriting.com/archives/the_scrivener/
And do visit his engaging Web site
www.alphalink.com.au/~umbidas/
A select few used to believe that English could be understood anywhere in the world, provided you shouted it loud enough. We certainly saw evidence of that in colonial Africa 50 years ago.
Some white people didn't make any attempt to understand different ways of expressing the same idea. A housewife asked her domestic servant (then derogatorily called a 'boy'), 'Haven't you cleaned the floor?' He answered, 'Yes'. She went to check, and found that the floor had not been cleaned. So told him off. What she didn't understand was that the servant was agreeing with her: 'Yes, I have not cleaned the floor'.
When mobile phones appeared, we started to see another form of shouting. People chose the most visible places to have their chats, ostentatiously demonstrating that they had a mobile phone. Instead of moving to a quiet corner at the shopping centre, they walked down the middle of the footpath to do their talking. Even a neighbour walked out to the middle of his lawn instead of quietly retiring to his porch or garage.
Now half the people you meet have mobile phones, they're getting smaller. The phones, that is, not the people. They're so small that the mouthpiece is up near the cheekbone. It's nowhere near the mouth. People at the other end of the call can't hear what the caller is saying. The shouting has started again.
You're sitting at the pavement café, enjoying a cup of coffee with a friend, and your peace is shattered by someone at the table behind you going on about his sales and marketing budget for the month or the wild party she went to last night.
It's just as bad in the supermarket. You think someone has started a conversation with you, only to turn round and see that they're talking loudly into a mobile phone. The urgent business is the price of baked beans, or laundry detergent, whatever. To save a few cents, they spend a few dollars on a phone call.
A few years ago I phoned an electrician who lives just a few streets away, to ask what time he'd be arriving. When the phone bill came, I'd been charged $2.50 for that call. As far as I can see from the website of one of our largest telecommunications companies, a local call to a mobile phone still costs $2. Well, I'm a Grumpy Old Man. I refuse to pay over ten times the cost of a normal phone call in order to finance someone else's luxury.
They're wonderful gadgets, of course, and ideal for use in emergencies and family crises. Apart from that, if someone asks, 'Don't you have a mobile phone?' I'll answer, 'Yes, I haven't'.
© Copyright Brian Barratt
